Grandma <3 LOL

For whatever reason I couldn't figure out how to get these on the other post at the bottom where the dedication was where they belong, so they can have their own post. I also don't know how the first paragraph of that other post decided all by itself that it wanted to be a link, yeah well.

xoxo, Travvy

Danielle is singing Loving You by Minnie Ripperton

Check my abs! And talk about that bust! Not to mention my luxuriously long, naturally platinum hair. What a knockout! This was my Halloween costume, but we will come to that.

It is my sincerest hope that I have not alienated my devoted fan-base and loyal following by having not kept you in the loop. I have made mental notes along the way of the better yarns, because the funny stories and juicy dirty laundry you crave have been coming few and far between. I didn't feel anything warranted a blog post in and of itself, so i just saved them up to compile into a BIG TRANNY-

PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA BLOWOUT SPECTACULAR! Also it is a lot of pressure to live up to the fabulousity of and hype surrounding previous entries, so I figured that if I laid low for awhile, when I finally did return, you be so so excited that there is an update that you wouldn't notice if it was mediocre. This could actually backfire, seeing that because the wait was so long, it could be argued that it ought to be that much better. I'll do my utmost to make this a goodie. Although so far, aside from the picture of course, its been mostly just fluff, and me stalling for time, kind of like the kids trying to delay nap and bedtimes. One more thing before we commence-- Can you get over this bikini body? Bleh! HOT MESS! right? Now not only me, but everyone else who has the misfortune of seeing this now wish that I had stuck to South Beach.

So a few weeks ago, Danielle suggested that one of the days while Olivia was in school but Jacob wasn't and was hanging out with me, that I should take him to the Mississippi Museum of Natural Science. They have lots of aquariums there which are fun for him, and I liked the stuffed wildlife exhibits the best. Sometimes looking through the glass of big aquariums like that bothers me and I get a headache from my eyes trying to focus through the feet of glass. But it didn't get to me this time so that was good. There was some kind of temporary or traveling exhibition of Monsters of the Deep. (Dun Dun DUN!) (or the Jaws theme may be more fitting: Da DUM...da DUM...da DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM) Anyway. Both Olivia and Jacob have a tendency of saying such and such is "going to scare me." Me being them, because they are speaking. So we were walking through this exhibit with some undersea creatures from nowadays and some prehistoric ones, and Jacob kept saying, "oooh its gonna scare me!" or "that's gonna scare me!" not that he was scared or it was scary, or that its gonna get him, but that its going to scare him. I don't know. There is also this kids play area with a fake tree made into a tree house with a slide, and some stupid old woman who works in that area. I say stupid because I cannot stand when someone patronizes you using a transparent false-nice tone of voice when what they are doing is yell at you. She was just reminding Jacob of rules, not that he was misbehaving, but it just irked me. Finally we left. We went to another kids area which wasn't a playroom, but has a boat to pretend to drive and some kind of fossil digging thing, though you don't dig its big plastic puzzle pieces, I don't know, its hard to explain. I'm realizing with all the detail I'm putting into this I very well could have made it its very own post but I wasn't feeling it lately. Now that I've actually sat down and am writing this, its going to be quite a long post so get comfty. The main point I was going to hit with the whole Museum trip is coming up, I could have just cut to the chase and only told you this part, which I had originally planned on doing, which is why I hadn't bothered to write it until now, but we've come this far, so we might as well have every stinking detail. (Don't you love how instead of just telling the story I keep writing about writing about it. Sheesh. Bare with me, sorry haha.) Anyway, in this area there is a table with sort of puzzle pieces, they are whales and dinosaur fish split up into the head body and tail sections, so that you can mix and match and the names are broken up so that when you put them together you either read what it actually is like an Orca Whale or like Orceosaurus if you mixed different parts. So I was fiddling with this, and was listening to Jacob prattle on about this or that, and I had my back to him... I turn around to find that he has gone up under the fence and is climbing on one of the displays of some prehistoric beast fish. I was like "AAAAH Jacob come out of there get down or you're gonna be in big trouble i'm gonna get in trouble aaaah come out come here..." He listened immediately luckily but he wasn't moving all that fast. Nobody saw in any case but that didn't take away from the excitement. We left soon after that. Not only because of that but because I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get to Olivia's school from there and I didn't want to be late. We had already seen everything anyway. So it ended up taking not long at all, and I decided to just go back to the house until it was time to get her. Yet another fiasco ensues.

I ended up getting confused on the highway and taking a wrong exit. I realized at once and turned around at the first chance, which wasn't for a long way out of the way, because I had inadvertently gotten on another highway. We made it back to the Interstate and I took a wrong exit a second time. This time at least it ended up being an exit to an area I am familiar with, just not the exit i had been aiming to get off at. So we made our way, but there was some kind of dip in the road and my car smashed it or something. We were still moving forward, but the gas pedal stopped working and the gauges all went to nothing, I don't know if it was a stall or what. The brake worked, and I turned off and restarted the car and everything was normal. Until we met another bump in the road. This time it wasn't literal, but there was construction and the only road I knew that lead to the house from where we were was closed. I was so angry. I hadn't seen any detour signs, and I didn't know how to get back, and I really had to go to the bathroom! Well, of course, wouldn't you know? So I tried to find my own way, and I found this quote unquote "road" (make little air quotes with your fingers when you read "road," Haha yay! Interactivity!) What there was of it between the potholes, there wasn't much space between them, wasn't even paved I don't think, and it was barely one lane. Eventually we got back. Jacob was asking me after we came to the road closing if i was mad, and I was telling him yes but making sure he knew I wasn't mad at him. What a day that was, and that was only before naps!

Now back to my gorgeous picture. Despite what you may have read in the tabloids and online from TMZ or Perez, yes, they're real. Just kidding! Like I said in my very first post, the DISCLAIMER, I am not an actual tranny, so sorry to disappoint. I Photoshopped the cleavage. Oh but if Antonelli Institute could see me now! Just what they wanted me to use the skills they impressed upon me for. Schafle this one's for you! My mom is bursting with pride too! The abdominals though are all me. They are too, just hush up. This was my Halloween costume for a party some friends threw, names will be withheld to protect the innocent. I feel compelled to share some of the nights events but also to respect privacy and anonymity. The neighborhood has enough trouble with the paparazzi dogging my every move, they don't want to be inconvenienced any more by association or having attention called to them specifically. So I don't know whether any of you has seen the film, The Big Lebowski, by chance? No? Aw, then to you I'm just the hottest blonde in a bikini you ever saw. For those of you who have, I went as the character Bunny Lebowski, played by Tara Reid. Darren was The Dude and Danielle was Maude, we three were a set. When a Hugh Hefner and a Playboy Bunny arrived, I went out to greet them with the parties hostesses, The Bunny was his Number One girl, so I was like, "I'll be your Number Two!" He went in with his wife and I on either arm and it was a big hit. We played Drunk Jenga, and then Karaoke was being set up, but those red yellow and white cords to hook it up to the TV were missing. I thought I had some, so I went for the door to run over to the house to fetch them. Spongebob had the same plan, and he said I should just come along to his pineapple and we could get his. On the way he offered me to look through spare costumes from yesteryears. I asked, "Why? You don't like my bikini? You want me to change?" Haha. He said only if I wanted, but he sometimes likes to switch out throughout the night. I looked through the costumes while he got the cords, and I suggested that we return in the infamous "Plug and Socket" costume for couples that Mr. and Mrs. Squarepants had. I was only joking, I didn't expect that we really would. But he was game. So I gave my self a quick haircut and dye job back to brown, and slipped into the socket. Since I didn't get the rise out of him I had been looking for and he just agreed to do it like nothing, I decided that I had to take the teasing further still. It wasn't only that I wanted to razz him, but the party had already met the Drag quota. Gender-bending no longer had its initial shock value or humor. Besides I already had a masculine hairdo. So whilst Mr. Plug took off his cartoon-y bulbous shoe coverings a la Spongebob, I pulled my arms out of the costume and flipped it around so that the socket was in the back. This got me my reaction! Haha. It was a scream upon our return to the party too! We made quite a splash. The Plug didn't last long, but I continued to wear my Socket "the boy way," (despite being asked to please turn it around by the ex-Plug) except for dancing moments during karaoke when my bathing suit was called for, such as Cleopatra and my rendition of The Pussycat Dolls' song Doncha. It was such a fun party, and unlike the last get together when I became a complete and utter disaster, blacked out and became ill, I paced myself very well, and felt 100% the next day!

This morning I awoke from a really good dream. I am sometimes surprised when like last night, I dream of people from High School, eons ago, especially because we weren't necessarily friends, just somewhat close acquaintances. A few weeks ago I had a dream about someone from college asking me to be their date to a wedding. This person I didn't really know at all, just knew of really, which was strange. I was Lauren's date to a wedding and she is one of my best friends from college, so maybe that accounted for that part of it, but who's to say? Just Bizarre dreams.

Not to end this tour-de-force (if i do say so myself) entry on a sour note, or lets say off key, haha, the last thing I want to do is bring you down from your high but...

So I had this good dream this morning, and a lot of the time when i have them, when I wake up I am like, oh joy reality, how sucky, and am vaguely depressed, but this one didn't have this affect. I was cheery and bright. We dropped Olivia off and went to Kroger to buy some cookies for Jacob's school Halloween Party tomorrow then off to get his hair cut. So far so good. Picked Olivia up, lunches, naps, I'm not sure they slept... Jacob had a dentist appointment and we were meeting Danielle there. I hadn't realized my phone was in the car, I thought I had it on me in my pocket. As we were about to leave Danielle pulled in, because she couldn't reach me and wanted to make sure we weren't going to miss the appointment. In her excitement to see Mommy, Olivia tripped and was crying, so we thought she could just stay home now that Danielle was here anyway, and we would watch Spongebob until Jacob came back and then go do something fun. This didn't suit, Mommy left and Olivia lost her mind. When Jacob got home behavior deteriorated probably due to lack of naps. And Grandma is not doing so hot, so the day basically went to heck.

Thoughts & Prayers People! For Grandma

and our friend Karen who had surgery today

Dedicated to Grandma

I love you.

xoxo, Travvy

Reality Check

I do so love to go on an on about my Glamorous & Decadent lifestyle.

I go to take a shower and there is feces in the tub.

Pause for effect...

Burst into tears.

Fade out.

FIN.

xoxo, Travvy

Parties, Potties, and other Preposterousness

Jacob's Birthday was the Friday before last. He was in Florida with Me-Maw and Pop, so we celebrated his Birthday this past Saturday. Friday night we watched The Big Lebowski while we wrapped presents. I also blew up the inflatable donkey for the Pin the Tail on the Donkey Game. It was very difficult due to the placement of the "blow hole." (Danielle just suggested blow hole as I'm writing this, I asked her what you might call it... I had been thinking Nozzle or Mouth Piece or something. Whatever, as long as you know what I am talking about.) It is situated between the legs, so once you start blowing it up, the legs inflate and there isn't room for your face to get in anymore. I said something to that effect and Darren had some smart remark. Roll Eyes. Danielle had made a list of everything that had to be done the next morning to prepare. Darren and I did some of the cleaning after she went to bed. Well, he cleaned, like washing windows and actual cleaning, I pretty much just collected stuff that belonged to me that was everywhere and put it in my room, and picked up some of the kids' toys. He said that it would minimize the destruction of Tropical Storm Danielle. In the morning she was impressed with us and very happy. I was on Balloon and Streamer Hanging duty. I made a swag in the dining room windows and from the windows to the chandelier and from the chandelier to the picture on the adjacent wall and from the chandelier to the window into the kitchen, on the opposite wall of the windows. Good luck trying to follow that sentence. The streamers were dark blue, light blue, red, green, and yellow. I also blew up balloons and hung them on the walls at the points where the streamers were attached. I tried to hang one on the wall doing that static thing where you rub it in your hair, but I was trying to do it to Olivia, and she was having none of it. It didn't work because she wouldn't let me do it long enough, and she just wanted to get away from me after that so she didn't even understand what I was trying to do. I also made a streamer swag in the window next to the front door, and off of the mantle.

The theme was Thomas the Tank Engine, and Danielle had gotten the cutest cake. It had white icing and a Thomas picture painted on a piece of chocolate in the center. The cake was set out on the dining room table and the kids were being shooed out all morning. At one point, Danielle went into her bedroom to change clothes. Darren was on the sofa, I was sitting in on of the chairs. The dining room and living room aren't really separate, they are two distinct rooms but there is no wall in between. BUT... The kids ate the Thomas off the cake! The whole top of the cake had lines running through it, trails left by little fingers dragging through the icing. We got in almost as much trouble as Olivia and Jacob.

When all the guests arrived, we started the games. The children played Musical Chairs. Danielle played the hated Thomas Song for the game haha. It was hard to hear it over the kids though, I think they couldn't hear it either, and also they just didn't fully understand the concept, but they were all pretty little. Some of the kids, when the music stopped, just stood there and didn't sit down until everyone said "Someone has to quick sit down," several times. Sometimes they sat down while the music was still playing. And then there was Barrett. He will be 2, so he really didn't get it, but he was fun. He just sat in his chair the whole time and watched everyone else run around him in a circle. So cute. There ended up being a second game, so this time Danielle had the bright idea to hold his hand and have him run too. He ended up getting trampled in the stampede. Poor thing, Good Job Danielle, Good Job!

Pin the Tail on the Donkey ended up being tough too. It is an inflatable donkey, 3-dimensional, with a felt bull's eye on its bum with velcro tails, not just a poster on the wall. So it was hung from the chandelier in the playroom area and it would move and be a pain when they tried to pin the tail on. They could get to the donkey okay, but they had trouble finding the bootie. Jacob peeked out from behind his mask and took it off completely finally. But even with being able to see he didn't make it on the center.

Then it was time to open gifts. Jacob got to mine, that is, the one from me. People were telling him it was my present, so when he opened it he came over and handed it to me and said "Here Travis, here's you present." But I said no, its yours, I gave it to you. Everyone was laughing.

Jacob got a bunch of trains and train tracks for his birthday. Danielle and Darren gave him this big playset that Darren put together. Danielle and I couldn't wait until bedtime so that we could play with it and make a super track! We made a big intricate railroad system. We started running 5 or 6 trains all at once. It was hard to keep on top of the switches to make sure that none crashed. We failed miserably. Finally we just decided to stage a horrible train wreck. There was like an 11 train pile-up, with downed trees, and houses and train stations up on end and sheep and cows running rampant and even a dinosaur. It was the worst accident, I ever seen. Just like Large Marge in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Jacob turned three now, so no more diapers! He is a big boy now so he has to use the potty! He has been using the toilet for number one, but he still wouldn't go number two in the bathroom. Danielle and I went shopping at Target with Olivia, and Jacob stayed home with Darren. When we got home Darren told us Jacob had pooped in the potty! Wow! Hooray! Don't get too excited though. Hold your applause. I was doing bath time that night, that's how I happened to be in the bathroom and see the following... Olivia went to use the bathroom, and she didn't sit back far enough and ending up peeing on the floor. Within minutes, Jacob went to go. He uses a step-stool. It was a bit far from the toilet, but rather than push it closer like usual, he decided to just stand on it where it was and go from there. You win some, you lose some. He used the potty like a big boy and then they both pee on the floor.

Going through hand-me-down winter clothing for Olivia, Danielle found a single pink Hello Kitty glove. I sat on the couch and snapped pictures of myself, posing in just about every angle you can imagine to spotlight the glove. Danielle was dying, it was just too funny! Then she was visited by Thing Addams. Maybe I'll post those pictures on here at a later date.

xoxo, Travvy

Casting Dispute

Danielle is currently in litigation, suing in an attempt to stop production of Tranny Manny: The Movie, over a casting dispute. She doesn't like that Madonna is slated to play her in the film, and feels that Madonna is not right for the part at all.

The Defense Rests.

I know that I promised that I would try to keep on top of the updates, and that I haven't posted in a rather long period of time. Today I outlined some major plot points to be sure to touch upon when I do fill you in. I was going to today, but I didn't get a chance. I am going to blog tomorrow evening for sure, come hell or high water, so get your popcorn ready. Well, let's just say that I'll blog tomorrow evening provided that Danielle doesn't see this post before then, and I will still have a job and a place to live. 'Til then.

xoxo, Travvy

He's at it Again!!!!

Hey Fans! I know, I did it again, I haven't updated in like a week... Nothing terribly interesting happened on Day Three (3), and I just didn't feel like posting. Amanda and Barrett came and we went on a walk around the neighborhood, and then we came back and Olivia, Jacob, and Barrett played outside for a while. That was fun. Thursday, Day Four (4), during the day nothing noteworthy happened, but that evening we met Uncle Danny and Aunt Betty half way, had dinner at Hardees and visited, then ditched the kids and we were home free! Pop and Maw-Maw took them to Universal Studios so I got a vacation too! So that is really my excuse, I didn't have the kids, so I had nothing to say. Darren wants me to share how I got absolutely smashed and made a fool of myself in front of the neighbors and was a complete nightmare and got sick in my room... But we're not gonna go there...

Yesterday I went shopping, I got a pattern to make myself a Halloween costume. When I got back the kids and Uncle Danny and Aunt Betty were home again, home again jiggety jigg. So today was back to the old grind.

In the car, Jacob always asks me to move my seat up because he doesn't have legroom. I usually move it up while I'm sitting in the driver's seat. Today I had moved it up while I was outside the car, because it was so far back he had no room at all. I forgot I had done this, and when I sat down I slammed my knee into the center console or whatever that thing is called, and it hurt sooo bad! I was saying "OOWWW! Ugh, ow, ow!" so Jacob said, "What did you do? You hurt yourself? How did you hurt yourself?" After I recovered, we got to school and I dropped them off. I came back and played on Facebook and watched The Golden Girls until it was time to leave to pick them up again. Olivia was happy to see me, not that she normally isn't, but she kind of is just like whatever, but today she was all smiles. And Jacob buckled his own seatbelt. He was so cute, I went to buckle him in and he told me no he could do it. He got the top buckle of the car seat that hooks at the chest right away, but the other two at the waist crotch area he had trouble with. He was struggling, but he was insistent that he could do it, more to himself than to me. He got the first one, and the second he almost had, it was in he just didn't click it, but he gave up and had me do it. We came back and had lunch and they went for naps. I watched Murder, She Wrote, my new TV obsession, and cut out the pattern for my Halloween costume. I'm not sure I'll have it finished but... Olivia slept longer than Jacob which never happens. We watched a little Thomas, and when Olivia woke up we watched a little Spongebob. We were having a pillow battle extraordinaire in Jacob's room when Danielle came in and scared me! When the feathers settled, I saw she was changed out of her work clothes already and everything. She had slipped into the house without any of us realizing and then came in and rapped on Jacob's door. I was so startled, but luckily I didn't scream like I did last night when a frog jumped into Uncle Danny's hair!

xoxo, Travvy