Epic

Jacob and I just had a lightsaber battle with Reba McEntire playing in the background. I love it hahaha.

Music Comentary: (Which is really neither here nor there...)

I was listening to Does He Love You the other night and mentioned to Danielle that it was my favorite song when I was little. She was incredulous, and said, "It's a song about a woman being cheated on!" I said, well yeah, but that I didn't know that at the time, haha. "Besides, all country music is about being cheated on..." (And I also only recently had the revelation that Fancy is like...a hooker.)

Far be it from me to have anything bad to say, (about anything or anyone (haha) but certainly not) about Lady GaGa, but... And I know it's also kinda late, and how could I just have seen the video?! but I watched the video for Telephone last night. The beverage cans in the hair as rollers, was, I am sorry, not original... What?! I know! But I have a back issue of Marie Claire somewhere, with Ashley Olsen and she had them in her hair. It was just as fabulous and when I saw it the first time, and I loved it just as much! (There goes any chance of ever working in fashion. GaGa will now surely put a hit out on my career. Black-listed. Sigh. I couldn't just leave well enough alone.) So I watched the Telephone music video last night, right before bed. Then I had this bizarre dream just before I woke up this morning. I was in a class room, and the song came on, and like in a movie where everyone stands up and breaks out into this choreographed dance number, that's what happened. Though I guess it wasn't so much choreographed as just like a free-for-all dance party. The weirdest thing. Haha.

Who Am I?

This is why I cannot go so long without blogging! I normally forget things, but that isn't the problem this time, there is just so much juicy stuff to cover, its going to be one of the longest yet! I could break it up, but the longer I draw it out, the farther behind I'll get because I'll still be talking about old news when stuff is currently happening, you know? We'll see how far I get. The other thing that makes them so long is stuff like this, I could just get right into the story, but whatever.

D'Anna from next door was throwing a birthday party for Laura Marie, and people from the office were invited. Catherine was there, because they all work together. Amanda and Barrett were over and we were all out in the back yard. Catherine called to us over the fence, and then Laura Marie said that it wouldn't be a party without me over, decked out in one of my outfits for her b-day. I normally know in advance when there is an occasion that calls for dress-up, and I spend all day primping and preparing and getting prettied up. (This really isn't a regular occurence, although it seems like most of the stories involve some Drag Queen bit haha. Just Halloween and Mardi Gras when costumes were called for, and the odd party when the guests demand it, like this time, or okay, maybe like once I sprung it on them without being provoked but...haha) But anyway, I wasn't ready this time! I had to quick shave my face, and I didn't shave my legs, so I threw on stockings, which I tore in my haste, so I was really trashy with a big runner. I threw on the lab coat, my garter was lost, even though up until that point it had been in the same place for months, haha, and my blonde wig, oh and the rubber gloves, and went over. I wasn't really crashing, technically, since I was sort of invited, but I felt kinda like I was crashing anyway. Haha, oh well. It was a fun party, and my friend Kathy (sp?) was there, who I met at other parties of D'Anna's. When we were saying goodbyes, Kathy called me Victor. I thought I misheard her or something, so I answered to it and didn't correct her, though I didn't know what she could have said that I would have heard Victor. After she left, everyone was like, "Did she call you Victor?" Haha. So then everyone was like "Victor/Victoria!" Kathy is a trip haha. This was Monday night, so for the beginning of the week, I was Victor, until Thursday rolled around.

Not this past weekend, but the weekend before, Danielle, Darren and the little ones went to North Carolina for the weekend. I stayed to watch Amber, though she ended up staying at Catherine and Adam's, and the guys that were coming to refinish the floors (which is why Amber had to bounce.) Watch the guys as in someone had to be home, not like watch them. They were nothing to look at... And they were crazy! A theme of this and following stories, aside from all my exotic new names, is people that are very nice, and well-meaning and everything, but just totally off and bizarre and just crazy! They were very red-neck, which they themselves said repeatedly. And I do mean repeatedly. And everything they said, in their minds, was the funniest little joke or quip ever. So there was a lot of polite, forced laughter on my part... haha. They were there two days, Thursday and Friday. Thursday I didn't have much interaction, but when I did, again with the "laughing" and stuff. They were very nice, don't get me wrong. And aside from there jokes...

...They called me Kevin. And Kev. I thought after I introduced myself they had been saying Travis, but then I started hearing Kevin. I guess they must have been calling me Kevin all along, because I can't imagine why they would all of a sudden switch if they had it right at first. For whatever reason I didn't bother to correct them. May as well remain anonymous, I had already had an assumed name for the beginning of the week, anyway. When they were leaving Thursday, they left their number, and I gave mine so that they could let me know when they'd be coming. They said 10:30-11. They only had Danielle's number, and since she wasn't home it wouldn't do me any good for them to call her. So I wrote down my number, and I was about to write my name, and then stopped. I had gone all day without telling them my actual name, so how stupid would I have looked to give it to them then? At least that's what I thought, and I wrote "Kevin." Haha. It seemed to make more sense to me, but I was telling Catherine and Adam about it when I was hanging out with them later, for Project Runway, and Catherine was like, "You did not!?! You're crazy!" Haha. So then I was Kevin. Also, as the floor guys were getting in the pick-up truck, they got beers out of the back and yelled, "Hey Kevin, you want a beer?" Class-ay! And I don't like beer. I thanked them anyway.

So then to Catherine and Adam's. They were telling me about how on Saturday, Adam was going to go pick up their boat that they were getting. So I asked about it, and everything I said was to Catherine more ludicrous than the last. My initial reaction was, "Ooooo! Is it a yacht?" Which she thought was silly, of course it isn't. I didn't mean a big one, there are like boats that are small but still considered yachts, but what do I know about such things? I didn't think it was as dumb as apparently it was. So then, for whatever reason skipping right to the other end of the spectrum, I asked "What? Is it a row boat?" This was uproariously funny to her, (though I wasn't kidding? Hahaha) In my defense, I was still blonde on Thursday night, though Friday morning I dyed my hair brown. (I didn't get an ashy brown dye, but I guess since my hair was bleached really light, it came out ashy and looks a little gray. I like the effect!) So then I asked if it was a motor boat, which was the most entertaining yet, she asked where I came up with these things?! "Its a ski-boat!" (Whatever that is.) (It's a motor boat by the way.)

I just decided that the other person that I had in mind concerning the nice and well meaning but completely out there theme, even if I get to that story today, deserves a separate post altogether. So the main theme is my new names, and I only put in the boat story because it happened sequentially in the plot, but also there was the confusion over the names haha.

So back to the floor guys. They were supposed to come around 10:30-11, right? I don't know what time they called, but the one guys daughter had a flat tire and they had to go rescue her, and get her tire fixed. When all was said and done they got there at like 2:30. They were very upset about the whole thing, and "Oh Kevin is really mad at us, we ruined his whole day!" and on and on. They said they should buy me a steak, and they were like, "Do you know how to cook steak?" Uh, no? Haha. They didn't take as long Friday as they had on Thursday, they had less left to do. So when they were done, instead of having their beers on the road, they invited me again to have one, so I did, and we sat out front drinking beer. When they left I updated my Facebook status to say, "I done just had a beer with the floor guys." Haha.

What a conversation that was. They were asking me if I was going to school or what, and I explained how I was between, as it were, and that I have my associates degree in graphic design..."Oh graphic design!" Didn't this guy used to have a graphic design firm? On and on, and like I said, very nice, it was a pleasant conversation to be sure, but here I am with two relative strangers, drinking beer and could this be any weirder? So finally it was turned back to me, and "is that what I want to persue?" I'm looking to go into fashion design... Cut off again! "Oh fashion design!" He owned a men's clothing store right out of college, the same guy, and on and on. Very interesting, and so I'm getting life stories, but still, they are strangers, they don't even know my actual name? Hahahahaha. Also they noticed that I was reading, and do I like to read and this guy who now has the floor business and used to be in graphic design and used to have a clothing store, he was in the publishing business for 20 years, and now he is shopping his own book around to be published. Would I be interested in reading that? Its semi-autobiographical and about growing up in the South, and on and on about that. I said I would, and they were going to bring me a copy of the manuscript. I wasn't just saying that to be nice, I might have read it, even though I am currently in the middle of like 5 books, but they didn't end up getting it to me. I'll have to look it up when it is released to the general public.

How dare they! I am not the general public. But I am not Kevin either, so I guess its not their fault, how could they have known? My PR firm is good at keeping me out of the press and everything, under the radar. Which is really the opposite of there job, they are for publicity, but I do like my privacy. Aside from divulging intimate detail on here, of course. Haha. Anyway, back to reality, unreal as it may seem...

They also said that they would return, as a nice thing to do for Danielle, and I guess to make up for wrecking my whole day, (I had nothing planned anyway) to fix the toilet seat that Olivia somehow broke. The hinge had been broken for a little while, but one day I walked in after the one of the kids and found it like it is in that picture. Haha. Like the book, they didn't follow through with replacing the toilet seat either...

And now for the two most bizarre pieces of conversation with them, and high on the list of bizarre conversations I've ever had.

So he loves clothes, (although, he says, you wouldn't know it by what he is wearing: a polo and khaki shorts, but that's not bad, esp considering he is doing manual labor?) and they talked about how he loves colors and flowers. He knows all about every flower, and tells the other guy's wife what to plant and the colors that would be good together and all this.

Suspension of Disbelief! Stranger Than Fiction!

I may have been able to, (like when people say, "I couldn't make this stuff up,")

but I am not making this up! This is honestly what transpired:

So he loves clothes and color and flowers, but he is "only half gay." Honest to goodness, that is what he said. And they went on and on over this 'half gay' thing, and apparently they talk about it all the time, his being 'half gay.' I wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, per se, but how awkward!!! And then he proceeded to assure me that he was only half gay, because despite all signs pointing to full-blown gaydom, he made a slightly off-color remark which in essence was just that he only goes for the ladies.

Then they were talking about how they were having a fish fry the next day, and did I like catfish? Yes? Oh well then I should definitely come over to their little shindig. I accepted, because I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough, though I could have made up anything, or even just declined. Later that evening I made plans with Karen for the next day instead, and although we didn't end up doing anything after all, the floor guys never called.

After Adam picked up the boat, he stopped by to ask if I wanted to tag along the auto parts store to pick up some spark plug or something for it, and then hang out and watch more It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which we had watched a couple episodes of the night before. This is now Saturday. I forgot to mention Friday after the beer with the floor guys, Catherine called and we walked Amber and their dog Zeke, and then I hung out with Catherine and Adam and we watched It's Always Sunny. Haha. So we went to the auto place, and Adam pointed out this bottle of Tranny Honey. So I was Victor, Kevin, and Tranny Honey. Just kidding, he didn't call me that, haha. Anyway, its transmission fluid or something, hence Tranny haha, and I took a picture of it for my blog. He has been waiting for this post ever since. Haha, sorry it took so long, Adam! We didn't end up watching It's Always Sunny. We went through his movies and narrowed it down to a few. From the ones that we narrowed it down to, he suggested No Country for Old Men, but then he thought of one that wasn't originally on the shortened list, that we went with. High Plains Drifter, starring Clint Eastwood. It was good. (But if he hadn't explained the plot to me before we started watching it, I wouldn't have understood it probably, haha.)

This last thing, I'm not sure exactly where it fit in chronologically, and I had originally intended to lump in with the Choo-choo story, but I forgot. We were at a party across the street at Melanie and Brent's house. Danielle had taken the kids home for baths and bed. Darren said something, that, in an uncharacteristically (haha) overly dramatic move on my part, caused me to storm out. It wasn't directed toward me, or really that offensive, considering haha. I wasn't storming out for any reason other than to make a scene. So anyway I just went across the street to see what Danielle was doing. The kids were in their rooms, but the bathroom light was on and the door was open. I figured she was draining the bathtub, or sopping up the flood that the kids always splash out. Well! She was indisposed. Going potty. We both screamed and I ran out again, back across the street.

xoxo, Travvy

Pink Ladies: the Lost Scene from "Grease!"

Sandy had just awoken from a nap and come out. Frenchie was putting a movie on for her, and Sandy was asking where Rizzo was. Frenchie said, "She's at work." Sandy, who is always asking questions that she apparently knows the answers to already, and won't accept an answer she is given until she gets the one she knows it to be, (and won't stop asking over and over until she gets it, either,) informed Frenchie that, no, Riz was at the doctor and he was looking at her choo-choo and Riz was saying 'OOOOOOOOWWWW!!!' Frenchie knew that Rizzo had had a doctor's appointment the day before, or earlier that week or something, so she said, "No, Riz is at work." Sandy was insistent, so they went around in circles, until finally Frenchie relented and let Sandy think what she would. Though not before snapping that if she already knew where Rizzo was, why did Sandy bother to ask in the first place!? Sandy didn't understand, but it made French feel better haha.

Frenchie texted Riz and told her about Sandy telling her that Rizzo was at the doctor and he was looking at her choo-choo, and how she was yelling ow! Rizzo thought that it was funny, and she said that hopefully Sandy hadn't been announcing this at school that morning.

Later, after Rizzo returned home from work, she told Frenchie that she had asked Sandy, since she is so prim and proper, (Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee, and all that, haha) what she called her, ahem, anatomy. Sandy said her Choo-choo. Then she told French that she was in fact at the gyno that morning after all. (She had been to work that day too, though, so really Frenchie and Sandy were both right.)

The Pink Ladies all went out to dinner together that night, at the Frosty Palace. Sandy, who doesn't pick up on social cues, (she just flew in from Australia, you know. A little naive maybe, but she can't help it) was shouting about Riz's choo-choo and the doctor and the OOOOOOOWWWWW! The Ladies were the only ones in the restaurant, luckily, at least except for the employees... Rizzo was so embarrassed, and she and Frenchie could not get Sandy to hush for anything.

xoxo, Marty Maraschino (You know? Like the cherry?)

Extenuating Circumstances

I really was planning on tomorrow this time when I said it yesterday, but Danielle was stuck at work late and I took the kids to gymnastics. So, sorry to disappoint. You should be used to it by now, haha.

xoxo, Travvy

The House That Jacob Built

I love how Wendy is so practical. Off to Neverland, oh but she has to pack and leave a note and blah blah, haha. (I also love how Olivia slept til 3 today.) The kids are watching Peter Pan again. When they watch stuff over and over it gets old, but Peter Pan I don't mind so much for some reason. At least not yet... Although it is something else when Jacob is quoting Peter translating for Wendy from Tinker Bell, "She says you're a big ugly girl!" all over the place. Like in the Dollar Store when the cashier was trying to talk to him and that's all he'd say. I didn't tell her what it was from, but he wasn't talking to her directly, and she didn't seem offended... And the picture is of stuff that falls out of the trees that had collected on the trampoline. The kids were playing out back, and I was sitting on the porch. Jacob ran up and said I had to come and see the house he made. After I took pictures of it, he picked it up and was squeezing it. Debris was sprinkling off it and he told me he was, "squirting Tinker Bell." I imagine he meant when they shake her to get pixie dust haha.

Despite Danielle, and others, but especially Danielle, asking me every night when I'm going to blog again, the reason I thought it was important to do today was I apparently had nothing better to do. There is plenty of stuff I could or should be doing, of course. But to entertain myself today, I resorted to listening to Ricky Martin and changing all the female pronouns in the songs to the male. It made me giggle. But its not like I was just sitting there and doing that, it was on the way to pick them up at school haha. So I was driving, there was nothing else to occupy me, besides just the driving, obviously. If I was doing it just during free time that would just be sad. But even though I justified it to myself, I thought it was time to sit down and do this thing.

Where to begin? The other night I was writing down important plot points, on my doodle pad, to make sure I touched upon them, but its not by me, and it still wouldn't really help with a starting place. Oh nice. I just went and got it, but do you think I can read it? Haha. I can actually, but no one else could hope to be able to.

Okay, so the Crawfish Boil and Mojito Madness. D'Anna and Casey, the next door neighbors hosted a Crawfish Boil. Like a picnic/party thing where they boiled crawfish, (go figure), with potatoes and corn and other stuff, and D'Anna made a big thing of mojitos. I had never eaten crawfish before, they had them at my cousin Michelle's graduation party, but I declined. Finicky eater. So anyway, Casey was making them, and they had like a metric ton. So he made lots of batches, and when one was done they had this big banquet picnic table and dumped an enormous pile on it, and everyone just stood around it and ate. I was hanging at the table but I was just nursing my mojito, haha. I was by Jacob and Brent, from across the street. Brent was peeling the crawfish for Jacob, and he asked me if I wasn't going to have any? I said I guessed so, but I never had before. And he was all excited that I was a virgin. So he peeled some for me, and I ate them and they were good. I still wasn't peeling them for myself, though, and he said I was as bad as the kids. Haha. He taught me how to do it myself then. At some point that day, I had talked to my mom and told her about the crawfish boil. She was like, "Oh no, don't suck the heads!" And I was like, nooooo problem, that is sooooo not happening haha. Meanwhile, back at the party... Don't I succumb to peer pressure from Brent. I thought it would be a swell story for the blog. See the lengths I go to entertain you people?!? He assured me that you don't suck the brains or anything out, which is why I had no intention of ever doing it, ever. Supposedly its just the juice and seasonings from the cooking that you suck out of the heads. So with my blog in mind, I decided to do it. I wasn't feeling the mojito(s), I fully blame YOU, personally for this. It wasn't bad. I just couldn't look at it before I did it. I had to just peel it and do it. After the initial one, it wasn't bad so I did some more. It wasn't until after all this that Brent told me I had been duped. He said that when you are from the South, you don't necessarily do it, like when you're a kid you don't suck the heads because you just don't want to, and some people just don't do it at all. But that when somebody is just visiting or moves here from elsewhere, you can usually get them to do it, because they think that that's just what's done or something. I forget exactly what he said because even though I did it for the blog, this was all weeks ago haha. But the point was, not everybody from the South will do it, but you can almost always talk the stupid Yankees into it.

The other day last week after we dropped Olivia at school we went to the park with Stacie and Owen. You might remember Stacie from the Halloween party. She was the Playboy bunny and her hubby Bart went as Hef, and when they arrived I went outside to greet them in my bikini and Hef made his grand entrance with a girl on each arm, haha. So we all went to the park. They had the ugliest ducks there! I've never seen any like that, bleh. Stacie said that they're really aggressive too. It reminded me of a park my grandma took my brother and our cousin Casey and I one time, where the geese were really nasty and like chased us and we were standing on park benches to avoid. But these weren't like that, at least not right then. But when I mentioned the Dollar Store up at the top, that was this morning that we were there. I had taken Jacob there to get some snacks and drinks for the park. Before Stacie and Owen got to the park, Jacob was hanging around eating his chips, and the ducks were leaving him alone. But when he was ready to play he gave me the bag to hold, and the ducks all started coming toward me. Luckily I was carrying a bag and I put them away and they left me be. Then our friends came, and Jacob and Owen played on the equipment for a bit, and then on the swings. It had rained, so the swings were a little wet. Jacob wanted to swing but he was starting to whine that the swing was wet before he got on. So I produced tissues from my bag and Stacie was like, "You're good!" Haha. I was in Cub Scouts for a hot minute, but I hardly always come prepared. It was just lucky haha. So we pushed them in the swings a bit, and then we were trying to spot turtles in the pond. I mentioned having seen one when we first got there, but then it jumped in the water. Stacie was pointing out there heads sticking up out in the water, but Jacob couldn't see them. Then we noticed some that were out up on the edges of the water, so we walked all around and went turtle hunting. Jacob could see those ones, but when we got relatively near, they'd jump in. One though, we got real close to, especially the kids. On the other side of the pond, (I guess its a pond, its fairly large, but hardly a lake I wouldn't think, anyway,) there is this chapel, and it has a big bell outside. Stacie was wondering if you could go in, and what would be in there, so she went up and tried the door. But it was locked. Drat, foiled again. Meanwhile Jacob was ringing the bell and disturbing the peace. Then Owen was trying, but he wasn't strong enough to push the hammer thing, or whatever that pendulum thing is called inside, hard enough to make it swing and hit the side of the bell. But Jacob had apparently been pulling it towards him and hitting the side and that how he was making it ring, so Owen tried, and he did that and we clapped. He's so cute. So we made our way back around the rest of the pond to the start, (where Jacob had left his shoes.) I didn't think about him having taken them off, and he didn't miss them until we were too far away to go back for them. He was worried about them, but lo and behold, there they were right where he left them. Then he wanted his chips again, so he and Owen sat down and ate chips while Stacie and I were on the swings. She was telling me how Owen doesn't like to get his hands dirty, so he doesn't like playing in the sand. Jacob was though, and throwing it on the slide. So Owen did too! Stacie was happy he was playing with the sand, (but leave it to Jacob to teach him bad stuff haha.) It was a little chilly that day, too. It had been hard to tell, because it would be like cold in the mornings but then be nice and warm or even get hot by like 10. So we had the kids bundled up, but Stacie and I were just in T-shirts and I had on shorts. At some point Jacob ditched his denim jacket, so I had that on my arms haha. Then this lady was giving the ducks bread, and she gave Owen and Jacob some to give them. She was trying to be sure to tell them to throw it to them so that they didn't snap the kids fingers, but Owen didn't understand. He almost got got, but narrowly escaped. Then it was time to go, we had to get Olivia. As we were driving away, Jacob told me, "We had a great day there!"

The other night, Darren and I were playing cards, and there were big bugs flying all over. Mosquito hawks. Ew. I was like trying to dodge away, and Danielle was trying to put it on me that that must be why the kids are so afraid of them. So not. But I don't need big bugs in my face, thanks anyway. So we quit the game. Darren was teaching me how to play, and its very involved and complicated, a Lord of the Rings game. ("Nerd Game" as it were.) We ended up quitting, because I inadvertently cheated. I didn't do it on purpose, it was just negligent, and Darren didn't catch it, I noticed and brought it up. So we went on to watching a movie instead. I had left my glass on the table, where we were playing, and I went to go get some soda. There wasn't much left in the bottle, and I thought about just drinking it out of the bottle. But I decided against it, and went and poured it into my glass. I didn't go sit down, I just hovered between the dining and living rooms, standing there drinking. I'm not sure if it took a minute to register, or if it was one of those time-space continuum tears where seconds last longer, (probably a little bit of both.) All of a sudden I just stopped and spit out a big mouthful. Most of it went back into the glass, but I got it all over the floor too. Darren didn't know what to make of it for a second, but then he guessed it. I had felt something in my mouth. It ended up being the giant Mosquito Hawk. He was laughing and my expression must have been comical, because I couldn't decide how to feel. I was so grossed out, but I also found it slightly humorous in some way. I went and used up all my mouthwash before I cleaned the floor. I was thinking that this bug scene should be going on in a little inset in the movie as the credits are rolling. Like how sometimes they have blooper reels at the end, but instead of showing bloopers they'll show little anecdotes that really don't fit in anywhere in the plot. I was also thinking that there really is no plot. It'll be like Seinfeld, a movie about nothing. Haha.

There is more to tell, but thats plenty for now. Tomorrow. (Its always "tomorrow." haha.)

xoxo, Travvy

P.S. I was informed by Ms. D'Anna that this was in fact NOT Mojito Madness. There only happened to be mojitos there. Mojito Madness is upcoming.

xoxo, Travvy

So, I just got in bed, and there were two water pistols under the covers...

xoxo, Travvy

Psyche!

Psyche as in "Gotcha!" not as in, I hurt your psyche when I made you think Tranny Manny was all gone. It turns out I was just a pawn in Danielle's elaborate April Fool's scheme. She was telling everyone she was knocked up, and I was fooled along with everyone else. How dare she. I'm not going to share anything but that at the moment. I may come back on later, but more than likely not. I'm listening to Darren latest podcast. Unlike me, he updates regularly, every Monday! Like clockwork. Suck My Constitution. I will be back though, if not tonight, tomorrow, or at least sometime this week. Tranny Manny lives on. (I found out that my contract is iron-clad and the only way out is being released, "Which will never, ever happen! Muahahahahahaha!" as I was told, or death. I guess this isn't such a bad gig, considering the alternative.) Viva la Tranny Manny!

xoxo, Travvy

Swan Song

Tranny Manny is no more! Danielle is pregnant, and I quit! Jacob and I were watching Dumbo this morning, but it kept skipping so we turned it off. But we saw the beginning with the stork... Ugh. There is no way I can handle a third. This will be my final entry. Thanks to all my fans, it was a fun ride, and I'm glad everyone could come along with me. (Please remain in your seats until the ride comes to a complete stop.)

Curtain falls, house lights go up.

Make sure you gather all your belongings, and put your trash in the trash can on your way out.

Memories, like the corners of my mind, misty water-color memories...

THE END.