How Droll

Today Jacob and I went to Wal*Mart and got my oil changed, and then to the park. We picked up Olivia, and when I parked in the driveway, Jacob said he wanted to go to bed without lunch. After naps we watched The Little Mermaid, and then went out back to jump on the trampoline. I wasn't on it at first, and then I went in and jumped, and I got a headache and stomachache which was weird and I got down. I made chili for dinner, and Darren was like, "Oh, look at you being all domestic," so I said I should go put on the apron I made Danielle. She doesn't use it though, because it was my first sewing project, and will someday be in a museum. So then he said I should wear her panties, and I said that they'd be too big. So he goes we'll see if your wearing your big girl panties when you tell her (or something like that,) so I called her. It didn't get a rise out of her, so maybe sharing the witty repartee with the world will. Darren ate up all my allotted blog time with the dumbest movie. I always have some excuse.

xoxo, Travvy

I guess throwing things at someone on their way out the door is more of a break-up thing than a firing thing, but I don't care, I liked it, haha.

xoxo, Travvy

Miss Me?

Wow, two weeks... I'm not always exactly consistent, but that is baaaad! I had to let my secretary go. So there I was, night after night, dictating my blog. But no one was typing/posting it. Some underling pointed this out, so I fired him too. Sooooo, without further ado, drum roll please! Drum Roll! Oh wait, I fired the drummer. Dern.

2 Mondays ago, the kids and I went to Memaw and Pop's (or Aunt Betty and Uncle Danny to moi,) house in Biloxi for Spring Break. Biloxi is 3 hours away. It ended up being like the 3 hour tour from Gilligan's Island. I was using my GPS, so we never got lost, and yet it took us 5 hours to get there. At one point I checked the destination I had set, because it tells you what the next exit and or road you're looking for is, and it said Slidell. Slidell is in Louisiana, so I didn't think that seemed right, but I checked where it was taking us, and sure enough it was the right address. I thought maybe I had hit New Orleans by mistake. So I was like whatever, and just followed Kim Cattrall's directions. Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City and Mannequin is the voice of my GPS. Jealous? Anyway, we ended up going through Louisiana, which is not supposed to happen, but we got there. There's two hours I'll never get back, and Uncle Danny said I'll never live down.

We stopped at McDonald's on this misadventure. One of the first mistakes. We went through the drive-thru for lunch. They gave me the kids' kid's meals, and told me to pull down and wait for my part of the order. So I pulled down and we waited absolutely forever, and then they came out with something that wasn't mine. Then we waited even longer, and they came out with something I ordered, but not everything I ordered. So I went in to get the rest of my stuff, and the straws for the kids, because they didn't give me that either. Or a straw for myself, for that matter.

I just breaked to go get some soda, and I was thinking about how I was talking about firing people. I totally just decided that when I have my enormous fashion empire, that I'll have my real staff, and then this sub-staff of actors and actresses, so that they can be my whipping boy. On a bad day, I'll buzz the secretary and tell them to send in so and so, so that I can fire them. I'll have an endless supply of worthless knick-knacks and ceramics, so that I can always have something on my desk, and after I "fire" one of the whipping boys and they run out crying, I can throw it and it will shatter against the door they slammed in the nick of time on their way out.

Where were we? This isn't where we were, but that picture. (I just added a second picture, so by "that picture" I meant the one on the left.) You may or may not remember the story of Olivia climbing that thing and falling through the tire. I was trying to explain what it was and said that I would take a picture next time we went to the park. Somewhere along the way in the lost two weeks we went to the park. And I took the picture. See, even though I wasn't updating, I was still thinking about you!

Right, so I went in and settled the McDonald's order, and we were off. Awhile later, Olivia was having a fit in the back seat, yelling at Jacob. I turned around to look at her, and her door had all this soda running down it. I thought he must have been flinging the straw at her, so I stopped them, and ultimately just pulled into a gas station. I needed a potty break anyway. When we were stopped, I turned completely around, and... Jacob had taken the lid off of his cup and the entire back seat was sopping wet with Sprite. Ever since the whole apple juice spill, he has not been allowed drinks in my car. At least not in motion, but this time I figured I would make an exception. Ugh. I was pretty mad, but it was more of an inconvenience than anything else. I thought how he was lucky it was me, and not my brother and sister in-law, because they are psychotic anal retentive about their cars. Mine is just a beast of burden to me. I called Danielle from this gas station to tattle tale/whine to her about it, and she asked where we were. I told her McComb. When we finally got to Uncle Danny and Aunt Betty's, Aunt Betty told me she talked to Danielle after I did. She said Danielle told her I said we were in McComb, but Danielle thought I meant have meant Magee. Aunt Betty said, No, I think he meant McComb, but that means he's going the wrong direction? McComb is about half way to NOLA. Which I knew, but I just figured Kim Cattrall knew what she was doing...

I had the windows cracked to hopefully dry the seat out, and in one of my mirrors, I saw Jacob reaching up. I started to shout "Jacob NOOO!" or something, but it was too late. He threw something out. Some manner of trash. And then this guy behind me pulled up along side of me, started honking and screaming at me.

Several hours later we eventually pulled in.

Aunt Betty and I went to Boomtown one night, and played video poker, but we didn't "have fun." "Having fun" is like "breaking a leg" in the theatre. I went to the outlets in Gulfport one afternoon, but I didn't buy anything. I was looking at sneakers. When I walked in to Reebok, a girl told me that if you buy two the second pair is half-off. I found one pair and took it up to the register, and the cashier, a different girl than I talked to when I walked in, asked if I knew about the deal. I said yes, and she asked if I couldn't find anything else or didn't want to do that or something. So I said I guess I'd look around again, and she said she'd hold the pair I wanted for me at the register. I looked around, couldn't find anything worthwhile, and decided I didn't want the initial pair either. So I slipped out the back door. Haha.

You may remember my book-a-palooza extravaganza shopping spree. I am almost finished with the Paul Newman book. Whenever I read, I am always finding little spelling errors here and there. I know this blog isn't necessarily a shining example of perfect spelling and grammar, but I don't proofread. (And I also fired my editor.) But in books? So in this Paul Newman book, I noticed an incorrect than/then thing and maybe some other typos along the way. I notice things like that in my books from time to time, so I overlooked it. But then it happened. I was floored. I was reading about the time when Mr. Newman was filming Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Elizabeth Taylor. The book includes all these little inset photos of people. There was a picture with the caption, "Elizabeth Taylor," but it was the photo above, right. Tippi Hedren was cropped out, but I still recognized the picture immediately as Suzanne Pleshette in The Birds. There are people in the book that I haven't heard of, or at least wouldn't recognize, that I relied on the pictures for. But obviously they aren't trustworthy. Pfft.

Obviously this hasn't been the two weeks worth of playing catch up that needs to be done, but tune back in tomorrow. And I do mean tomorrow this time, for real-real, not for play-play.

xoxo, Travvy

Headless Horseman(ny)

Today I took Jacob to Pump It Up while Olivia was in school. Its this place with moon bounces and big slides and all manner of inflatable jumping apparatus. They also had those red Fisher Price cars with the yellow roofs that you sit in and move with your feet. When we first got there that's all he wanted to play with. Well actually when we first got inside all he wanted to do was sit on the bench. Then he played with the car, and after that I finally got him into one of the moon bounces, only if I went in too, and even then he would only sit on this giant bean bag type thing in the center and make me run around. Then we went into the next room where they had the big slide. He wouldn't go up, so i had him hang on to my neck and gave him a piggy back ride up. He had a big fit at the top, and I held him on my lap to slide down. He was making a big fuss about the slide every time we went on it, but he always loved it on the slide down. Then we did two obstacle courses. We went back and forth between all the attractions. I was getting overheated, (it is currently 75 degrees, and even though it was inside it wasn't that cool, especially when you're running around,) but he wouldn't do anything with out me, so I couldn't take a break.

We skipped out early, and went to Best Buy to look for Beauty and the Beast again. It was a different one than we went to yesterday. This time I asked someone, and they directed me to the computer search thing. Its not out, just as I suspected. We were browsing the rest of the movies, and Jacob saw Pete's Dragon. He pointed it out to me and said "Look, Dragon Tales." I said, no, that it was Pete's Dragon. The cover had a picture of the dragon, and the boy, and Nora and Mickey Rooney on his back. Jacob asked who the boy was, and I said, "I don't know, I forget the boy's name." ... Yes, I know. I remembered, oh duh, the boy's name is --- Pete. Knock, Knock. Hello anybody home? Haha. For some reason that always trips me up, the dragon's name is Elliott and Pete is the kid.

So I forgot that, and this morning we left the house, yet again, without Olivia's school bag. I looked straight at it this morning, I said, "Where's your bag?" and saw it, but then I went out into the garage to get their booster seats and left without grabbing the bag. That's when I thought up the clever title. You know, forget your head if it wasn't screwed on? I hate puns, but sometimes I make them up any way. Haha.

xoxo, Travvy

Rampant Hypochondria and Actual Medical Turmoil (RIP)

The other day I had Jacob's lightsaber so he wanted to play with Olivia's. Darren told him to ask her if he could borrow it, which he did. Her response was, "Um, you can borrow yours."

Saturday Danielle and Michelle went to New Orleans with the kids to meet some of their cousins. Darren and I went grocery shopping, and he did laundry and other chores. He made jumbalaya for dinner and we had a party with Melanie & Brent and Adam.

Sunday I went shopping. Hollywood Video is going out of business, so I stopped in there. I ended up being in there FOREVER, and I got some good loot. It reminded me of the time when I raided a closing Hollywood Video with my friend Lauren. She worked there and the one time when we hung out we went shopping during the liquidation. And then later that afternoon we returned for yet more haha. I bought Party Monster, which I already have, but is hard to find. I was told once when I asked about it at a store that it is out of print. I know that's what they say for books, I'm not sure about movies, but anyway, they don't make copies of the DVD anymore. I found that so I picked that up first, then I saw the Chumscrubber, so I got that too. Then I came across Empire Records, and took that. The next two I hadn't seen before, but I thought it was a good idea to get them. Kinky Boots, which I had seen at Hollywood with Lauren but passed up, and The Rules of Attraction, which was just a complete impulse buy. Its always a toss up when you get movies you've never seen (or heard of.) I had gotten a bunch of movies like that when I went with Lauren. Some I ended up absolutely loving, and some I hated, and gave to her. Haha. The two I bought this time were very good!

Sunday night Danielle went out with Amanda and Darren and I and the kids went out for pizza. Well the kids got pizza, Darren and I got sandwiches. On the way, my leg was killing me, at the back of my right thigh. For whatever reason I decided that it was because I had a blood clot. It hurt so bad. When everyone was turning in, Danielle and Darren were none too sympathetic. They were joking about me possibly dying in the night from an embolism or something clot related. But the only thing they were worried about was me making a mess in bed, when your dead body involuntarily releases everything, if you know what I mean... Jerks. I ended up surviving the night, obviously. My leg still hurt, but now both legs were hurting. So I figured it probably wasn't a blood clot... Then my feet were hurting really bad too, my heels. I diagnosed that as bone spurs. Hence the rampant hypochondria. Any possible ailment, I assume I have it. Ugh. (But last post when I was talking about being sick I truly was.) Oh and I remembered also on Sunday night I had severe heartburn.

Monday afternoon. Olivia had just awoken from her nap, and I turned Spongebob on for her and got her some Cheerios for snack. I was about to sit at my computer at the dining room table and my phone rang. It was Brent, and he asked if I knew what was going on in front of the house. No?... I walked to the front window and at the end of the driveway a fire truck was parked, and and ambulance was just pulling up. I peeked out the front door and there was someone lying in the gutter in front of the mailbox being given CPR. I told Brent they were doing CPR, and he said he knew, and he called to make sure the kids were okay, because he couldn't see who it was. I assured him they were fine. As soon as we hung up, Catherine called. Hayden's friend Curtis lives in our neighborhood, and he saw the commotion from the school bus. When he got home he called Hayden, who called Catherine, who called me, to make sure it wasn't me. After I got off the phone with her I went out. The person was already taken away but Brent, Jennifer and Edna were standing there talking. I asked what happened, and they told me that two of the neighbor ladies had been walking, and that one said she felt dizzy and passed out in the street. She had had a heart attack, and she didn't make it. :(

Yesterday we picked Olivia up early from school because she had been complaining her ear hurt, so Danielle made her an appointment, and I took her. She doesn't have an ear infection, the doctor said she just had some wax and that some kids it really bothers. Danielle had Bunco last night so I took the kids to Olivia's gymnastics. Jacob had been wearing pajamas, so I had to fight him to get dressed. I didn't mean fighting like literally, although my first tactic was a pillow fight. More like pillow assault. Then I pants'ed him and he wasn't wearing any underwear. I started singing "Naked," by the Spice Girls. Then I got my laptop and turned the song on and was singing it. I grabbed his lightsaber, and I was holding it blade down and singing into the hilt like it was my microphone. Then he wanted it, so I gave it to him and got this light thing he has. Its a handle with this plastic ball on the end, and when you press the button a hoop thing inside spins and makes different patterns with lights. That was my new mic, then he turned the light off so he could appreciate the light thing lights. Danielle came in and asked if I was teaching him to rave. Haha. After gymnastics we came home and ate dinner, then I had just started bathing Olivia when Danielle got in and she took over for me. She brought me brownies, and she said they were "'special' brownies." (wink wink.) Tisk tisk. Don't worry, she was joking.

Today we listened to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack, and Olivia was singing along. I thought it was the cutest thing, and I felt the need to go out and buy the movie. Jacob watches it at school sometimes, but Olivia's never seen it. I have decided that "The Disney Vault" is such a scam! "Available for a limited time, and then it will be shut up in the Disney vault..." I couldn't find it anywhere. Okay so we only went to two places, Best Buy and Target, but I am fairly certain it isn't out. Its such BS because the reason they do it I figure is so that they never get marked down like other movies that sit around on the shelves. Ugh. Jerks. When we were on our way back from the fruitless search for Beauty & the Beast, Olivia was singing along to "Telephone," by Lady GaGa, featuring Beyoncé. I was so proud.

Amanda had her baby today! Happy Birthday!

xoxo, Travvy

P.S. This says Monday, but tonight is really Wednesday, because I started to write this on Monday night, but Danielle hijacked me to do Yoga. We started doing Yoga, and then we switched to Pilates. We were laying on the living room floor doing these leg exercises, and she kicked me in the head, and then I moved to a different spot. Then we had to put our arms up over our head and I smacked her in the face. Then she stopped and I switched to Striptease Aerobics. Which reminds me of Lauren again, because once upon a time she got a Carmen Electra Stipperobics video that we were planning to do together, but we never did. Yet. Haha.

xoxo, Travvy

Suddenly, Seymour

It will help if everyone has seen Little Shop of Horrors and Follow That Bird. I will try to describe it for those that haven't, and refresh the memories of the rest. (If you haven't seen either or both of them, they are MUST SEES!)

There is a scene in Little Shop, where Audrey, played by Ellen Greene (left,) sings a song called "Somewhere That's Green," about her dreams of moving out of slummy downtown with Seymour and having a house, somewhere that's green, (go figure.) Somehow this song (and others from the soundtrack) was in my head yesterday (though I haven't listened to it or seen the movie lately) and I was singing it.

"A matchbox of our own,

A fence of real chain link,

A grill out on the patio..."

I think its funny that its a chain link fence and not the cliché white picket fence. So I was singing this song, and picturing having a house like this, when I "grow up." And it played out in my head like the scene in the movie. Haha. At the part with the grill out on the patio, I imagined that neither me or my "Seymour," (whom I didn't picture, but I'm sure doesn't look like Rick Moranis) would know how to work it. This is where Follow That Bird comes in, because it reminded me of the part with the Dodos, and they have a riding mower (Daddy Dodo and the mower, top right,) but they don't know how to work it and it chases them around the yard and run over their inflatable wading pool and pops it. Haha. I don't know if anyone can appreciate this story, but I enjoyed it.

Last night Danielle was doing kids yoga with the kids. Then she switched to some kind of walking cardio thing for kids, and I was sitting in the corner drinking Sunny Delight and making fun of the kids on the video. I'm so bad. But this too reminded me of the Dodos. There is a scene where they are doing aerobics. Love that movie!

I was drinking Sunny D because I am dying. I have a cold and I didn't want to go further than the Dollar General last night in search of actual OJ. So I figured Vitamin C is Vitamin C. I have had a cold for a while but its been worse the past couple days. I have been taking cold medicine, and today I got some Advil so I felt better this afternoon than I did yesterday and this morning. It comes and goes. Hopefully it will just go, soon.

xoxo, Travvy

Visit Darren's Website!

I am plugging Darren's new website! Go there, it will make you cool!

SUCK MY CONSTITUTION!

The views expressed in the commentaries are solely those of the individuals providing them

and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Tranny Manny Corporation,

its parent, affiliates or subsidiaries.

xoxo, Travvy

How You Derirn?

Blah, where to begin. Thursday evening where I left off, I suppose. I mentioned Catherine coming over for Project Runway. It ended up being a repeat, but we weren't really watching it anyway. Danielle was out with the mom's from Olivia's class, and while Darren and I were waiting for Catherine's arrival, D'Anna came over from next door. She brought two lab coats for Catherine for work. When she left I said to Darren that we should wear them for when Catherine came. So we did. He was playing the computer, and I stood in the living room behind the bookcase. Catherine knocked on the door, so I told her to come in, and I had my arm up at the top of the bookcase and came around the corner all dramatic and come hither. She was cracking up, and when she came around and saw Darren sitting there wearing his she about died. The coats weren't the right ones, and she called D'Anna. I said that she shouldn't tell her that we had them on, because I thought we might get in trouble, but she did anyway. D'Anna came back over, and Catherine said I had to put it back on and do my welcome at the door. D'Anna thought it was a riot too. We started to jazz it up, I took the belt off my jeans and put it on outside the lab coat so it was cinched at the waist. Somebody said it could be a dress and I said I could just take the pants off. I was fidgeting with my shirt, because when I did the belt my shirt got all twisted underneath and uncomfortable, and Catherine asked if I was taking my britches off right there?! I said no, but then she went out to her car to get something. I said, "oooh I should take them off now for when she comes back in!" and I started to. I was trying to pull my shoes back on when she started to open the door, so D'Anna jumped between us. Catherine thought she was reenacting my coming around the corner and she told her that I did it better. Haha. But then D'Anna stepped aside, and everyone was laughing again. I took it even further, I got my white Mardi Gras boa, and the girls wanted me to wear my wig. I got that and a pair of white sunglasses. Catherine wanted to take a picture, but then I remembered my garter, so I ran back into my room again to find that. She was like, "Okay Cher, you look fine, let's go." Haha. After the photos, I ditched the wig. We were waiting for Danielle to get home, and I had to go potty. When I went into the bathroom I saw the box of rubber gloves I bought when I dyed my hair the last time. The finishing touch! When I came out, Danielle was on the couch and I snapped the gloves on my wrists. Everyone loved the added effect of the gloves. I told Darren it was time for his exam, haha. So then we started Runway and it turned out to be a rerun.

Friday on our way to school, actually I think it was before we even got out of the driveway, Jacob asked, "Travis, can I have a date with you today?" Danielle has said that when Olivia was in school the days Jacob wasn't, they would go on "dates." I knew the context, but it was still seemingly out of nowhere and funny. So we dropped Olivia off and went to Barnes and Noble. We went to the Starbucks in there, and I got Jacob a cookie and chocolate milk and I got a frappucinno. Sitting at the table, Jacob told me, "This is pretending to be a date." Kind of loudly. There were people around and I looked around but no one seemed to take notice.

That night I went to bed at six. I intended to just take a nap, I hadn't eaten dinner, but I ended up sleeping until 4, I came out and got a drink and went back to bed.

Saturday, Danielle went shopping. I got ready and met her out, I didn't think I had time to get ready before she was leaving. It turned out I probably would have anyway, but oh well. We went to Newk's for lunch and planned our attack. While I was looking at the menu up on the wall, someone touched my bum. I thought whether or not I should turn around, I did, and it was Amanda and Barrett. Haha. She was holding him and kicked me with his foot. Danielle was ordering so they went and got her too.

Saturday night we didn't do much. Danielle tried on her new pieces and modeled. Other than that we were just bumming around the house. Unless I was playing with the kids, I can't remember whether it was that night or Sunday night that that was, so I'll just pretend it was Sunday. Saturday night Danielle was making a list of things she had to do on Sunday. She made a grocery list and thought aloud about going that night to get it over with. I said that we had to, that it would be a fun adventure! (It was midnight.) So we went to Wal*Mart at midnight, she in her jammies and I in my shades. As it turns out, grocery shopping is grocery shopping, no matter what time. It wasn't very adventurous, just somewhat of a novelty. On our way out, this group of young people passed us in the parking lot on the way in. This girl shouted "Hey!" so I called "Heyaaayyy!" I had kind of a delayed reaction. Then she was like, "How you dern?" Like "doin'" but country and slurred. Haha. Danielle and I were laughing about it, but I didn't respond, they were already inside and we were getting in the car anyway.

Sunday night I got the kids all wound up and we were tearing through the house. Jacob was chasing me in a circle around the fireplace. I would make sure to time it and have enough space between us, so that he was on one side and I was on the other, so he couldn't see me break off and run down the hall to hide. I would hide in his room, and he came to look for me and I'd scare him. I would switch my hiding places in his room, or I would go through the kitchen and hide in the laundry room. I hid in the bathroom behind the door, and once in the shower. Under the dining room table. My best hiding place was ingenious. I hid in the kitchen behind the island. Darren thought I was in the laundry room so he was telling the kids to go look for me in there. Danielle said maybe I slipped out the backdoor. Jacob wouldn't, so Olivia was sent in. While she was in the laundry room I shot out and ran into Darren and Danielle's bedroom. The kids were too scared to come look for me. They went in, Darren was telling them to go turn off the closet light, though it was off. I was on the other side of the bed, but they were walking past into the master bath. They didn't find me and quit looking so Darren called me to come out.

Monday Danielle asked me to take some clothes to donate to Goodwill. I took them after I dropped the kids at school, and then I browsed the store. You may recall the coat I went on and on about. I didn't see that, but they had these two huge boxes full of vinyl records. I don't know why I looked through them. But I ended up finding some that I bought. Some of my friends are really interested in LPs, but I don't have a record player, so. But I felt a need anyway. I found this Christmas album from Singer, the sewing machine company, so I thought that that was neat just to have. Then I found a Sonny and Cher one, so obviously picked that up, and then the soundtrack to Peter Pan the Disney one.

I also went to the fabric store to get fabric for a bag I am making for Ms. Dawn, of the real actual housewives of Orange County. Haha. There was a sign in the window for accepting applications for part-time. So I got an application. I turned it in today, and realized they close at 7 pm. During the week I could only start at 6, so unless they take me for just the weekends, I guess that idea is pretty much sunk. Oh well.

Jacob changes out of his clothes all the time as I have said. This afternoon he would not take a nap. He asked to come out to go to the bathroom, and when he went back in, it took me a little bit to notice his door was wide open and his light was on. He was playing with a pile of trains on his bed. So I took them away and turned out the light and shut the door. But he kept popping out, especially after Olivia woke up. Finally I relented and let him out. I was in the kitchen, and from the couch he told me he was wearing "diaper underwear." I was frightened to come out to the living room.

He was wearing only underwear. But A LOT of underwear. It did look sort of diaperish because it was so padded. I pulled them off and counted. On top of the customary one pair of underwear, he had fourteen more piled on. Some were backwards, some weren't even pulled all the way up, like rolled up down around his thighs. I'm just shaking my head right now.

xoxo, Travvy