Day Two (2)

This morning Danielle woke me up and I came out, Olivia was watching Spongebob, but Jacob was still sleeping. Must be nice. Olivia went in to wake up Jacob, and they had waffles for breakfast. I got Olivia ready for school, changing and brushing teeth and hair. Jacob I got dressed but he got a reprieve because Darren was still home so I didn't take him along to drop Olivia off. I was going to brush his teeth when I got back but I forgot. I was distracted, because on the way to school, my car was acting up. It like jerks and bumps. This has happened before, and the people told me that there was a code in the car's computer that was switching the battery off while I was driving, which then kicks the engine off and on. They fixed it, or, at least it stopped happening until this morning. Olivia and I made it to school, bucking the whole way, but we got there. After I dropped her off, I gave my car a pep talk. Or maybe threatened it. Better just knock it off! Say what you will, but it worked. It didn't happen on my way home, on my way to pick her back up, or on our travels later in the afternoon.

I came back and Jacob had destroyed the house. Not really, but he got into gift wrap and threw tissue paper everywhere. Darren had to leave for work earlier than he expected, so Jacob and I were left to our own devices. I stared at the clock and calculated how long until nap down to seconds. Haha. He rode his bike for a while, and played trains. I didn't partake in the trains this time. I always have to build the track all by myself, while he asks ("Does it go?") if the train will go on it yet, even though I only have two pieces of track attached, and tries to put the train on the track, at the exact spot I am trying to work on. And after I finally have it all finished, he usually breaks it apart and throws pieces across the room.

We picked up Olivia and had PB&J sandwiches for lunch. Jealous? Actually, Olivia had only the peanut butter and jelly, she just smeared it onto her fingers and ate it like that, she left most of the bread. They went to their rooms, but I'm not sure they napped. Olivia may have, Jacob I don't think slept a wink. I was taking a shower and I heard him at the bathroom door. I couldn't hear what he was saying, so I had him come in. I could still here him talking but it sounded like he was still outside the door, so I poked my head out of the curtain and was yelling come in, but he was standing right there and startled me. He wanted water, one of is main stall tactics, so I told him to get it from the bathroom sink and go to sleep. He came in again to ask for a diaper, he can ask for a diaper so he can go number two in that, but he can't just use the toilet... So I told him to wait and I'd get it when I came out. He stayed in his room but like I said, I don't think he really slept at all. Olivia came out eventually and we watched Spongebob. She didn't have any drama today. Jacob came wandering out at some point and I kept sending him back to his room, but it didn't do any good. I got bored, so I decided that we'd go to Barnes & Noble so they could play with the train set.

We got there and I had to keep the kids from running straight to the trains, because I had to use the computer. I wanted to read a book while they played, and it wasn't where I had seen it displayed before anymore. I was looking for The Meaning of Matthew, which I talked about before I think. I had almost bought it a few weeks ago, but I decided to wait. Where I had seen it displayed had been on the Sale table. Now I realized it was in a different place because its not on sale anymore. Should have just bought it back then, oh well. So I looked it up on the computer, and found where it is now. I could have found it without the computer, its in the Gay & Lesbian Section, but I wasn't sure. Then we had to go grab a copy, then the kids could go run for the trains. At first they were by themselves, but then this trashy little girl came and was playing with them. Ew. So I read the first chapter, and asked the kids if they were done playing. Jacob said no initially, just as I expected, but then he immediately changed his mind and said yeah they were done. And I'd thought I'd have to pry him off the train table.

So dropping the book back to its spot on our way out, I saw this really really really cute guy. We just walked through the Gay & Lesbian section and I replaced the book as I passed without stopping, and He was around the corner. I had two kids in tow, not the most ideal scenario. Two and Four year olds are cute and all, but they aren't the best wingmen. Terrible actually. I didn't stop, just kept heading for the door, but I turned around as I walked. He walked past the LGBT section, only to turn around and double back to it. Trying to avoid going there, or being seen going there. He probably was checking if there was anyone in the aisle. The point is, he was gay. And soooo cute! Like, my gaydar isn't fail-safe, people flirt with me and I don't know they're gay (tho I didn't even know he was flirting...but that is a diff. story,) but this guy, I had proof, and he was sooooo cute! Haha. But I just left and was crabby the rest of the day. Nannies are old women because they have lived their lives and they don't have to worry about meeting someone only to have little kids around to ruin their mojo. Oh well. It was Barnes & Noble after all, and not Café Du Monde... Sigh.

xoxo, Travvy

Day One (1)

Okay, it's time to get down to business. I have been delinquent in the past, not keeping up with my posts, and lately when I bothered to post anything they were short and really had nothing to do with the children or their shenanigans, or anything really noteworthy at all. But today was Danielle's first day of work, and my first official day as a working girl. Not that kind of working girl! Not girl at all, but you know. So now that I am in my official Manny capacity, and we're not just going day by day, just kinda doing whatever, training, I will now be in my official Blogger capacity as well, and I will update daily and keep you in the know. Yeah, we'll see how long this lasts, haha. So begins the illustrious Tale of the Tranny Manny...

We rejoin our story already in progress... Danielle woke me up, and I pulled the covers up over my head. She was all like, "Oh no you di'n't!" I did it half as a joke, but really I did want be alive at that hour, 6:30, 7:30 Central. I brought it upon myself, I had been up pretty late watching Scream, which although I have seen approximately 1,207.35 times, and know everything that is going to happen, even all the dialogue, this time was really scaring me. I was watching it in bed, and when I came out to get water I almost died, because Amber came to investigate and scared me. Begrudgingly, I got up. Olivia and Jacob were having their breakfast and watching Spongebob in their jammies. Usually Danielle gets them ready in the morning, getting them dressed and brushing hair and teeth, but today I did it, as she was already long gone. This was one thing that we didn't do during the training period, but it went fairly well. They can dress themselves, its just a matter of them actually doing it themselves. Danielle had laid their outfits out for me, I could have put together something cute but it might have been too fashion forward and cutting edge for their teachers and school chums to get. Olivia and Jacob would look silly, until there are copies and variations of their outfits on every runway. Really, she asked me if I wanted to do it or if she should just pick stuff out, so I let her do it haha. They got dressed without much trouble, but the brushing of teeth is where the drama kicks in to high gear. Jacob always puts up a fight and cries the entire time when Danielle brushes his teeth, so I had to wrestle him to the sink and put him in a headlock to get the job done. It sounds harsher than it was. Olivia was cooperative, though I had a hard time brushing her hair. I am not embellishing this part to jazz up the blog, I actually said aloud to myself, "This shouldn't be this hard, I'm gay, I should be able to do hair!"

The ride to school was uneventful. Spongebob songs are wearing a little thin. I already had an aversion to Jacob's beloved Thomas song, but now even the Spongebob ones I initially enjoyed are getting old and stale. As we were getting out of the car Jacob asked if he could go potty. Usually I take Olivia to her room first, I always had in the past anyway, but now especially since the Jacob's teacher told me we get there too early. Pfft. But we took Jacob to his room first so he could use the facilities. When we came out, he went over to the corner and started playing with toys, so I went to the door and asked the teachers if he was okay, as in, is he okay to be left here or should I take him into the hall for 45 seconds until its an appropriate time for drop off? The one teacher asked if he was still in the bathroom and I was like, um he's right there...? "Oh I didn't see him, oh haha." Ooohh-kayyy... So I took Olivia down to her room and returned to the house.

When I got back, Jennifer from down the street came up. She was locked out, and Danielle had had the spare key to let her dogs out and feed them over the weekend. We looked around but we couldn't find it, and then Danielle called and said she had it in her car, so Jennifer went to go pick it up. I put away the trains and train tracks and the books that the kids had strewn throughout the playroom and living room respectively. I played Sorority Life and talked to Danielle briefly on Facebook, played Darren's scary video game a little, then watched The Golden Girls until it was time to go back to school to get the kiddies.

When we got back, Danielle was home for lunch. She had the kids lunches all ready to go, YAY! While the kids ate and I made some pierogies for my lunch, Danielle and I chatted about her day at work so far, and then she put the kids to bed for naps. She went back to work, and I went back to The Golden Girls, then more of Darren's video game until Olivia woke up.

She had a little bit of a crying jag, and I just held her for a little while until she finally stopped. I had been asking her if she wanted a snack, to watch Spongebob, or anything else to try to calm her down. When she got ahold of herself she said she wanted to have a pillow fight. So I took her to her room, got her pillow and hit her with it. It wasn't until this evening when I was telling this to Danielle and Darren, that I learned from Darren that she calls her green pillow her pillow fight, she didn't want to have a pillow fight. Whoopsie. Luckily she wasn't upset that I whacked her with the pillow, but she grabbed her bunny and Rosie the train, and asked if she could wear her Spongebob costume from last Halloween, which she plays in now. So I helped her put it on and she was happy, and then she wanted to watch Spongebob. So we did.

When Jacob woke up, we watched a couple more episodes of Spongebob, and then I rounded the kids up to go to Wal*Mart. Danielle needed some snacks for work, so we went to go get some. Before we left I asked Jacob if he needed a diaper change, and he said no. I thought he probably did, but I didn't really want to have to do it, and if he was lying he should have to be stuck wearing it, so I didn't press the issue. Off to the store. I wasn't sure I knew how to get there, but I surprised myself and found it. Jacob really fought me to not sit in the cart, he was insistent on having to push the cart. This made me think he probably had needed a change after all. I won and he sat in the cart.

Olivia was in the back part of the cart. She kept standing up, and I'd tell her to sit down, or put her booty in the cart. I don't know if I said something else or if she was just responding to me telling her to sit, but she jumped up and pointed at me, gave me her angry face and said "You take that back!" It was so funny. And she kept doing that. And she was telling me, "You're mad!" because I was making a mad face like she was. I don't know where she got it, Darren said it must be from Spongebob, but we don't recognize it specifically. She kept demanding that I take that back!

When I was getting them situated back into the car, it was unavoidably obvious that yes, Jacob did need a change. So I asked him again if he went in his diaper and this time he was like yeah. So the entire way home I was like, eeeeh, I have to change him, but when we got back, Darren was home! The kids were all excited and went running in, and I went in, I didn't even say hi first, I'm so rude. I was just like, "He needs a diaper change, Welcome Home. :)"

I made spaghetti for dinner. Which I used against everyone. The kids were fussing about eating, I told Jacob I slaved over the hot stove to make it for him, and I told Olivia my blood, sweat and tears went into it so they better eat, haha. Then Danielle and I went to Target, and on our way home she said she hoped Darren would do bath duty. I said "Not It!" and used my excuse of "I made dinner!" I will see how many things I can manage to use that one dinner to get out of doing. Darren and I are watching Adult Swim.

xoxo, Travvy

My Destiny

I have made my new plan. First I am going to New Orleans, where I will meet someone. I am not going to be picked up like some trashy person by some trashy person in a bar on Bourbon Street. From behind a pair of big dark sunglasses, I will be reading a fashion magazine or a book at Café Du Monde. I glance up from my reading, and a beautiful stranger will ask to share my table. Although the bustling, ever crowded Café is uncharacteristically not overrun with patrons and there are plenty of free tables, I consent. He buys me a café au lait, and we have a little chat. Coffee turns into lunch turns into dinner turns into ultimately living happily ever after, dividing our time between our Garden District mansion, French Quarter flat, and penthouse in Manhattan. I enroll at FIT and go on to be one of the big names and heavy hitters in the designer clothing labels world. I will buy Nicolas Cage's house that Danielle and I saw on our Ghost Tour, where she and I will throw parties like that house has never seen before, with more costume changes in a night than the original owner. Danielle and Darren can retire there, and be my beau and my Mercedes driving caretakers of the house. Danielle won't really be retired, along with being my accountant she'll be the nanny for our kid(s), and my man will by her a red silk taffeta petticoat so stiff it would stand by itself and so rustly that the Lord would think it was made out of angels' wings. Then of course, between juggling the fashion empire and everything else on my plate, I am simultaneously a best selling author. My book based on this very blog remember? Go right now back to the post of the picture of the cover art! And then there is Hollywood. The movie based on the book based on the blog (Go right now to the post where there is the picture of the movie poster!), along with executive producing the movie adaptation of James St. James' Freakshow, for which I am also the costume designer.

I will make this happen, just you wait and see if it doesn't, haha.

xoxo, Travvy

speaking of needing a hobby

I have plenty of hobbies, I don't make a habit of counting cars. And I do realize that I could be blogging when I have nothing better to do, like now, because I had a nap earlier and I can't get to sleep. But rather than fill everyone in on today's events and the goings on of the other days that I glossed over because I was to lazy to blog that day and didn't have a chance or didn't bother to return to, I went on Facebook and singled out friends and barraged them by commenting on everything I saw on their profiles, so the next time they go on they will have like 100 notifications all from me. And instead of blogging about anything interesting, I am just on here to tell you that that is what I did instead. I will pick back up with the regularly (or irregularly more like) scheduled soap opera-esque escapades, don't you worry.

This has nothing to do with the usual exploits, just a Fashion Corner blurb. I wore this cute outfit today. Just jean shorts, those are nothing special, but I have this new Calvin Klein t-shirt that I wore today for the first time, that I bought just before I moved down here. It has birds all over it and they are flying in the shape of his name. It reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. I didn't accessorize or anything, just my black Ed Hardy sneakers, they have yellow on them, and the t-shirt is grey, and the birds are black with yellow shadow behind them so it coordinated well. Really there was nothing special about the outfit, just a t-shirt and jean shorts, but it looked good. And I didn't even go anywhere. All dressed up and no place to go... We were going to go to the mall today, but then we didn't. We did go to Wal*Mart, but my style was lost on those folks, no one cared. Danielle appreciated the look though, she said I looked cute. <3

xoxo, Travvy

South Beach Update

Oh yeah, I quit the diet.

xoxo, Fatty

i need a hobby

the other day on my way to school to pick the kids up, i saw two white pick-up trucks at the intersection on the way out of the neighborhood. for whatever reason, this caused me to count all the white pick up trucks i saw between the house and the school. i counted upwards of sixty. this was only white pick-ups, not just pick-ups in general. this is what i do.

xoxo, Travvy

the South Beach Beach

Danielle and I started the South Beach Diet today, and I was the most incorrigible beach all day. Only meat, cheese and veggies. No milk, no fruit, no bread, no cookies. No happy. Haha.

IOU

I still owe you fri, sat, sun, tues, and today. I will get to it. <3

xoxo, Travvy

The Biggest Loser

The title of this blog works on many levels. I am such a literary phenom. Bow to my greatness. The "We're not worthies" are not necessary, but I do appreciate your enthusiasm.

Last night, Danielle, the kids, and I, went to Mazzio's with Amanda and Barrett. Olivia also had gymnastics but I just read my Madonna book. Anyway, Mazzio's, as I believe I have talked about in a previous post, is a pizza buffet. They have dessert on the bar, too. Which I had. Even though I had dessert, I went to the grocery store to buy ice cream for me and Danielle. The Biggest Loser was on, and it is "our thing" to eat ice cream, sitting on our butts on the couch, while we watch morbidly obese people kill themselves to lose weight. So I went out to pick up our ice cream, and I had quite the misadventure at the local Kroger.

On my way over, to set the tone for the absurdity of the events that were to follow, I was listening to Richard Cheese. He covers songs, like Baby Got Back, but they are all sung like Big Band songs or something. Its silly. I had them because Danielle mistakenly burned them onto the CD of Spongebob songs she made me to let the kids listen to on the way to and from school.

My friend Alisa once told me a piece of advice that her mother shared with her and her sister. When you're single, no matter where you're going, if you're leaving the house, you have to look your best, even just to the grocery store. You never know when or where you can meet someone, so... Usually I just go around looking like crap, but last night I looked pretty good. I was wearing a turquoise t-shirt with fuschia and like neon yellow or green designs. It is just a t-shirt from Disney from The Tower of Terror ride, but it looked cute with the rest of the ensemble. White shorts, flashy, silver Ed Hardy sneakers, sapphire blue eyeglasses, and a big hackin' rhinestone encrusted cocktail ring in the shape of Jesus' head, the crown jewel of my accessory collection, purchased at my favorite store, Popmart. Like I said, I looked too cute. Danielle requested Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, and it turned out they were Buy One, Get one, so I also picked out Black Walnut. It seemed like a good idea, I like Butter Pecan ice cream, and I like walnuts. When I got home and we tasted Black Walnut ice cream, tho, we weren't too keen on it. But I didn't get home yet, I still have to have some awkard encounters go down and my earth-shattering revelation. See, foreshadowing, this blog has it all. I went to the Customer Service Desk and the woman working there was so rude to me! I have never been treated like that by someone working the courtesy desk, hello? its the courtesy desk! She told me I had to check out at a register, which fine, but you don't have to snap at me. So I went to the register and the cashier and bagger were talking to me, and they were laying it on real thick about oh, nice choice of ice cream there, and oooh its buy one, get one. Especially the bagger. I guess they were just being polite but it was just weird. And the last time this happened to me, I was at Wal*Mart, and it turned out the cashier was flirting. Haha. The cashier at Kroger was a woman, so I doubt she was, but the bagger was a boy, although he looked like he was maybe twelve, and may or may not have been gay, and even if he was, he wasn't necessarily coming on to me, who knows. Anyway. Somehow it came out that I was from Pennsylvania, and this bag boy asked if i was visiting family or something. I said I had actually just moved here, not that it was any of his business, I didn't say that part haha, but ya know. He proceeded to congratulate me, its a nice city to live! Um, thanks. On my way out, I see my reflection in the sliding glass doors. My show-stopper of an outfit stopped me dead in my tracks, because of the one accessory I was sporting that I didn't realize I had on. Earlier in the evening before he went to bed, Jacob gifted me with a lovely Thomas the Tank Engine sticker, which he stuck on my shirt. I felt so dumb, like the biggest loser ever. The End.

xoxo, Travvy

Big Comeback

Okay, sorry about the hiatus, I'm ready for my big comeback. I just got out of the big tub, not unlike Michelle Pfeiffer's in Scarface, very luxurious, as you can imagine. I slipped into my flowing silk robe and I'm wearing my 7 inch stiletto heeled slippers by Frederick's of Hollywood, the ones with the fluffy white marabou pom pom on the peep toe. Fab I know. I also have them in baby pink. I love the way the spiked heels crack against the slick polished marble as i glide across the floor. Got my Coke (a glass of Coke Zero, not the coke like Michelle Pfeiffer's in Scarface, the parallel ends at the tub and wardrobe.) and I'm ready to "Get on with it, already!" Well excuse me, I was just trying to set the mood. Here goes...

I will begin with today, and go back in time to Friday. Just because I can. Yes, I am trying to confuse you. No, but really, if I had been keeping up with blogging daily, Friday would have been last, and today would be at the top anyway, so quit whining. Forward your grievances to (504) 322-4687.

Okay. This morning both Olivia and Jacob had school. Danielle woke me up, I sleep through my alarm, and it disturbs everyone else, so Danielle just wakes me, haha. The kids were watching Snow White. So we went to school, and on the way, Olivia wanted to listen to the Spongebob songs. They are on Danielle's iPhone tho, so I promised that we could listen to them on the way home. I dropped Olivia off first, and then went to drop off Jacob. I was berated by his teacher because we drop him off too early. If we have someplace to be that's fine, but if we could drop him off at ten til that would be better, because they have to get supplies and get the room set up. Meanwhile, it was about 8:47 when she's telling me that ten of would be more convenient. Roll eyes here. (Remember the interactive parts, you never know when I'll throw in some audience participation.) Whatever Lady.

I returned to "the Homeplace" as it is called, and Danielle and I went to Target. We got cat food for Asche, and socks for the kids, and dish rags. We looked at the Halloween costumes too. So we checked out, and got to the parking lot when we realized the main reason we went to Target in the first place was to get jewelry for Danielle for work. Nevermind the cat food we ran out of 3 days ago, we went to the store for bling. So we went back in and weren't exactly blown away by the selection...

Danielle dropped me back at the house, and went to the Post Office. I didn't have the presence of mind to get the cat food out of the trunk before she left. I went into the bathroom and when I opened the door Asche was sitting there waiting for me. She went down the hall, through the kitchen, pausing periodically and looking over her shoulder to be sure I was following, and led me into the laundry room where her dish is. This is when I realized that Danielle still had the food in the car. Asche just stared at me.

Ten of the longest ever minutes later, I had to leave to pick up the children so the uncomfortable staring contest ended. Phew. When I got in the car and heard my Pink CD playing, I was like, uh-oh I'm in trouble, I don't have Olivia's music. Dun Dun Dun. I called Danielle and she knew as soon as she picked up that I forgot her phone, seeing as she was talking to me on it. I also relayed the story of Asche's food showdown. So we met at the gas station and I got the phone and she went to feed the cat, who proceeded to thank her/get back at her by throwing up on Danielle's bedroom carpet. Aw.

I picked up the kids, and we listened to Spongebob. Jacob requested the Thomas song, which I hate. So I told him we had to finish listening to the song that was on, and then I put it on, ugh. He wanted to hear it again immediately after it was finished, but I played more Spongebob. I played Thomas one more time. He always asks for things, "One more?" or "One more time?" but he doesn't fully understand the concept of one more time, or thinks that I don't, because after he gets his one more he wants another one more, haha. We were almost home, and Jacob asked Olivia what she had for snack:

What Did You Have for Snack?

a play in one act

(this is actually what they said)

curtain opens

Jacob and Olivia are sitting in their car seats

in the back seat of the car on the way home from school

Jacob: "What did you have for snack Olivia? Did you have Goldfish?"

Olivia: "Um, Um, No."

Jacob: "Did you eat dog poop for snack?"

Olivia: "Um, Nooo."

Jacob: "Did you have cookies?"

Olivia: "Yes."

Jacob: "You had cookies? Good job, Olivia!"

curtain closes

uproarious laughter and applause

Fin.

So when we got home Danielle had made them lunch, but Jacob wouldn't come sit at the table to eat. I told him to come eat, but he was insistent that, no, he had to read his book first. He has been testing the waters with me, to see how much he can get away with, so I just figured he was at it again. He wouldn't listen to his mom either, so he was sent to his room. When he came back out, he still wouldn't come to the table, he had to read this book. He was adamant about not coming to eat and was crying if we pressed him on it. I was in the kitchen and Danielle had gone out to the living room where he was, so I asked if he pooped in his pants. She was initially like, no, then...oh yeah he did, ugh. So that was the problem.

Then the kids had their nap, Danielle did some work, I did some sewing while I watched Joan Rivers Jewelry and Vera Bradley purses on QVC. Then Olivia woke up and was watching Spongebob Squarepants. At some point the show was still on, but Olivia brought me a Thomas book she wanted me to read to her. Usually if I am reading to Jacob she will listen but stand next to the chair and a little bit behind it. So she gave me the book and I told her to come sit down, I was in the chair, but she said she was going to sit on the couch. So I told her no, you come here, so she wanted to do her usual, stand off to the side. I got her to sit next to me on the chair. I was reading to her, but the TV was still on and I saw her watching it instead of the book. So I started to raise the book into her line of sight to block the TV and so she bent over to look under it. I said she could either watch TV or read the story, so eventually I got through the book. Then she wanted another one, but she also wanted Spongebob, so I told her that she couldn't do both. She ended up with watching TV and I laid down on the sofa. She was sitting there right in the middle, so I was trying to get her to skooch down to one end but she wasn't really moving, so I just put my legs under hers and she sat like that. But then she started sitting on my legs and like climbing on me, but eventually I fell asleep. Then Danielle had her wake me up so that I would be able to sleep tonight. It turns out I was gone for like 3 hours, and they had gone to McDonald's to play and come back and I was still sleeping haha. Danielle had coffee there and she's still bouncing off the walls.

We had spaghetti for dinner, which we both helped make. Jacob was down the street playing, and he was to busy playing to use the bathroom, so he had another accident... Then the kids had their baths and went to bed, and I made a train track, when I had the toys all to myself and Jacob wasn't there to have to share with. Hahaha.

So I definitely just lied about starting with today, Monday, and then doing Sunday, Saturday, and Friday. It took me a long time to do just today, so I will do the weekend tomorrow, probably sometime in the day, and then do tomorrow in the evening. It is bedtime. All this witticism takes alot out of you. You meaning me. All you, meaning you, have to do is read. Night Night.

xoxo, Travvy

MIA

Sorry, I promise I haven't abandoned you, I will return, if not later this evening, tomorrow for sure, and fill you in on everything Tranny.

xoxo, Travvy

The Bitch Is Back-Redux

This time I mean Me! Hahaha! Sorry I didn't post anything of consequence yesterday, I just didn't feel like it, I'll make it up to you. Or I'll try too, I know it was a MAJOR let down. You look forward to reading my blog all day after all. You curled up in your favorite overstuffed chintz armchair, one of the ones with those wings on the sides, in front of the fireplace with a chenille blanket (or maybe even a hott leopard print Snuggie!) and cocktail and were all ready to read the best thing you have ever, and probably will ever read, and... Nothing. What? I know! How dare I? The nerve!

Let's not dwell on the past shall we? I mean, really, get OVER yourself. Moving right along, I'll get on with the story. Gather 'round. Lean in. Closer. Closer. Okay not too close, you're gonna wreck your eyesight if you get that close to the screen, and feeling your breath is creeping me out. Okay, right there is a good distance. "Spaghetti Arms, this is my dancing space." Anyway, yesterday.

Up until this point, Danielle and I have just been sort of playing it by ear and doing whatever, but its time to get down to business. We need to start actually preparing the kids, (and ourselves), for Danielle being at work. I had ridden along to drop the kids at school, but when I am not driving, (and sometimes even if I am, just kidding, kind of) I am not necessarily aware of where we are going. I mean I know where we are en route to, I just don't always pay attention to the route. So yesterday I drove to the school, Danielle came along to make sure I knew where I was going, but not giving directions. Just if I missed a turn or something she was supposed to tell me, haha. I knew the way without help, and we got there. She waited in the car while I took Olivia and Jacob inside. Before they left, she told them that I would be picking them up, and she wouldn't be along. She had a lunch date with a girlfriend, but soon she'll be at work, donchaknow, so we were practicing. I dropped the kids at there classrooms with no trouble. On the way home, we went to McDonalds so I could get an iced coffee (light ice, vanilla syrup). This really has nothing to do with the story, just go with it. We returned home and Danielle went back to bed. I didn't do anything interesting, I don't remember specifically what i even did, probably just vegetated on Facebook. Danielle got ready for lunch, and I got ready to get the kids.

I went to pick up Olivia first. She held my hand walking down the hall to get Jacob, and she inevitably asked where Mommy was. And so it begins... I told her she went to lunch with her friend and that when Olivia woke up from her nap she'd be home. She accepted this for the time being. We picked up Jacob, and the next thing I know Olivia started crying. She let me pick her up, so I carried her out while Jacob held my hand. Outside, Jacob wanted to be picked up too. I said no, that I was holding Olivia right now. He started pouting and his whiny fake crying, and I didn't want to deal with it even tho I knew it was a show. I thought it would look odd trying to leave the school with two kids crying and screaming for mommy. So I squatted down and told him he had to sit on my knee cause I couldn't pick him up off the ground with one arm. Somehow I managed to situate both of them and stand up, now I had to find the car. I parked a lot farther away than I thought, and carrying both of them didn't help. Its hard enough to maneuver in these heels without juggling these two!

Olivia was having a fit. I called Danielle cause I asked if talking to Mommy on the phone would help. She only got in like, "Hi Olivia, don't cr-" before the battery died. So Olivia screamed and cried almost the whole way home, "Where's Mommy? I can't find my mommy yet! Mommy can't find me!" When she said that, I would try to tell her that Mommy knew where she was, but she wasn't listening. Eventually I stopped trying to say anything at all. Three quarters or so of the way home, Olivia was yelling the same things, then she was like, "I need Mommy! I need to stop crying!" and there was silence. I almost started laughing, but I didn't. She started up again twice more but they didnt last very long. Then we arrived, and I plugged my phone in and called Danielle back. She instructed me to break out the books! She had gotten Thomas books for the kids to use as bribes to get Olivia to like me, haha, but I forgot. I gave Olivia a book, and Jacob one too, to be fair, and she calmed down a bit. I made plates of lunch meat and cheese for lunch, they wouldn't eat the bread if I made sandwiches anyway, while they watched an episode of Spongebob. I put their plates at the table, and Olivia sat down and ate, but Jacob was giving me a hard time. They can see the TV from the table, but he wouldn't go sit down. I said I'd turn it off, or that he could just have his nap right now without lunch, so he went and ate. Danielle got home then, and Ms. Marilyn came in to meet me and see the house. Danielle put them in there rooms for nap time, but I had let the nap window, the time they will actually lay down and sleep, close, so they kept popping out. Eventually Olivia who was the main one who wouldn't give up, fell asleep, and we had peace for a little while. When they woke up, I read Jacob one of the Thomas stories while Danielle helped Olivia right letter C's for her homework. It wasn't going well.

We went to Barnes and Noble, to play with the train sets, and get Olivia some writing practice books. I found this really good book, in the kids section, that I read while they were playing with the trains and Danielle found writing books. It was called The Scarecrow's Dance by Jane Yolen, art by Bagram Ibatoulline. I suggest it! I planned to get it until I flipped it over and looked at the price, it was 18 bucks! I told Danielle that that was like $1 a page! Probably more haha. So I texted my mom and asked her to find it for me online for my birthday haha. Don't forget Fans! Its October 14th! I also almost bought The Meaning of Matthew, Matthew Shepard's mother's book. I took it up to the line, but then I put it back. I just bought a book the other day, so I will finish that one first, and then buy this one. I have this thing where I hemorrhage money, so I was proud of myself for not spending anything. Though like I said, I am definitely going back for it... This has been yet another tangent that really has nothing to do with the topic at hand. I'm good at those, tho Alisa is better. Or worse, depending on how you want to look at it.

Danielle made tortellini soup for dinner which was delicious. Then she and Olivia sat down and practiced with the new writing books. I tried to keep Jacob entertained, but he kept bugging them because he wanted his turn with the new fun game. Then the kids had their bath and went to bed. Danielle and I watched The Nanny and retired to our rooms for the night. As I told you in my brief before bed post last night, I was once again joined by Asche. This time at least, she was at the head of the bed, rather than the foot, so she posed less of a threat. I wasn't worried about kicking her in my sleep and provoking her wrath, great and terrible retribution I suspect would end in my untimely demise.

************

This morning I took Olivia to school on my own. Well Jacob was along for the ride, he didn't have school today, but he has to get used to tagging along with me, not hanging out at home with Momma, cause she won't be hanging around in a couple weeks. We left with no fanfare or tears. At least not from the kids. No, not me, either...Danielle! Just kidding.

Today I took Olivia through the carpool lane instead of taking her inside. This went off with out a hitch. Well almost. When I said goodbye to Olivia and told her to have a good day, and was ceremoniously ignored, the teacher helping her out of the car told her to tell Daddy goodbye. I was too caught off guard to correct her. Jacob and I came home and picked up Danielle to run errands. When ever Danielle says errands Jacob thinks she's saying Aaron and he asks if we can go see him. She says no, not today, he lives too far away. We went to the post office, and to Brigette's, where we got the fabric panel for the front of Danielle's bag monogrammed. From there we went to Wal*Mart and picked up some stuff.

We dropped Danielle at home and went to pick up Olivia at school. We were equipped with Olivia's bunny, her train Rosie, and her light up thing I gave her. This time: No Crying!!!!! Hooray! Jacob was yelling at me not to sing on our way there, I was dueting with P!nk which he didn't appreciate, but that was it. Olivia was a happy camper! Whoot!

We had lunch, sandwiches and macaroni & cheese, and the kids had their naps. Now Danielle and Olivia went to Office Max and Jacob is hanging out here with me. We are gonna go make a super cool train track now. See ya!

xoxo, Travvy

The Bitch Is Back

Looks as though Asche will be spending the night again, oh hooray!

xoxo, Travvy

Cop Out

Sorry Fans I'll tell you todays stuff tomorrow along with tomorrows stuff...

xoxo, Travvy

Last Night

I didn't share what happened last night! So last night after Danielle got home, I was invited to go next door to meet new people and make friends. I met Ms. Karen while I was down here on vacation. Last night was Alaina's 19th birthday party, and she just moved here too. I met her dad, Mr. David, her brother and sister, Mary Leigh who works with Karen, and Stephanie who lives behind Danielle and Karen. Sorry if I spelled your names wrong girls! So we sat on the back porch and were hanging out and talking. I wasn't particularly chatty, but I was enjoying myself. All of them were really nice. :D

xoxo, Travvy

What did we do today...

What didn't we do today!? Well first of all, I didn't wake up when my alarm clock went off. Danielle had to come in and turn it off... Then I didn't go along to take Olivia to school, because I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I came out everyone had already left. Then Danielle and Jacob got home, she dropped Jacob off and went to go vote. I went to take a shower while Jacob watched Monsters Inc. Then Mommy got back and we went to Kroger and did some grocery shopping. I bought Us Weekly because Sex and the City 2 was the cover story. From Kroger we went to the park, and Jacob wanted to be pushed on the swing. Then he wanted to get off, so I went to go to some other part of the playground, but Jacob wanted to go on the swing right next to the one he just got off... Okay... He swung on that one for a minute, and then he wanted to go on the third swing, the plastic chair looking kind. He was on that for a minute and then he wanted to go on the slide, but he had to hurry, it was almost time to go get his sister. He didn't end up going on a slide, because he couldn't manage the funky ladder thing. I went over and sat on the "tire" swing, which isn't made out of a tire, its this plastic ring. Danielle took some pictures of me, and then we tried to get Jacob to take some with me, but he wouldn't cooperate.

We went back to school to pick up Olivia, and went home to have lunch, some yummy fried chicken. Then the kids went to nap. Nothing really interesting happened while they were sleeping. Then Olivia woke up and had some drama, went back to her room for awhile, and then came out to watch some Spongebob. Jacob came out and watched too.

After Spongebob, we went out to Target. Danielle tried on some tops, because she ripped a whole in her t-shirt when she was putting stuff into the attic. She didn't find anything she liked though. I got some cords to connect my DVD player to my TV, and some tennis balls for Amber. The one she likes to play fetch with is all ratty, and has a hole in it. So I got her some pink ones for breast cancer. Boobs.

For dinner, we went to Mazzios, a pizza buffet, with Ms. Amanda and Barrett. I thought it was good. Barrett liked me, he was talking to me and smiling and making this buzzing noise like a bee. I was sitting next to him and at first Danielle was on my other side, but then she took Olivia and Jacob to another table and left Amanda and me to eat in peace. She could have left the kids with us... Now that I'm in big trouble, I'll continue my story. Where was I? Ah yes. Then we had dessert pizzas, one had chocolate chips, im not sure what the crust was, and I don't know what the other one was at all but it had powdered sugar on top and it was very good. Then Olivia and Jacob got there faces painted. They got what was supposed to be Patrick and Spongebob, respectively.

We got home and went outside. Olivia and Jacob were roller skating at first, but then switched to bikes. Danielle was weeding, and the UPS guy came with two packages of work stuff for Darren. I was playing fetch with Amber with her new tennis ball. When Momma was done playing in the dirt, she went in for a bath. Olivia had a tiny breakdown, cause she couldn't go see Mommy, oh no! Miss Melanie was checking her mail, so she came over for a little bit to chat in the driveway. Then we came inside and the kids had their bath.

After bath time Olivia wanted Danielle to read her Monsters Inc. and Jacob was RAMMY! I played him the Humuhumnuknukuapua'a song from High School Musical 2 and was bouncing him around on my knees. Somehow this didn't help matters any. Haha. Instead of a wild crazy song, I switched gears and played Pachelbel's Canon in D, and turned on the visualizer on iTunes, which makes pretty, abstract pictures to the music. Jacob was impressed a little and then he'd go bug Mommy, and then he'd come back and watch the screen, and then he'd go listen to the story. After the book Olivia came and sat on the couch and watched and listened to the classical music for a little, until it was time to go to bed.

Danielle had said that we should start doing yoga together earlier this week, because they have classes OnDemand. While we were at the buffet she suggested that we start tonight, because we both ate A LOT and we felt the need to work out. Instead, after the children went to sleep, we sat and watched The Biggest Loser, while, ironically, eating ice cream. We just can't think about getting skinny now, we'll go crazy if we do! We'll think about that tomarrah.

I think i hit the main points of the day, if there is anything I left out, who's gonna know? You weren't there.

xoxo, Travvy

Unveiling of the Movie Poster for Tranny Manny: The Movie

Tranny Manny: the Movie

After my book is published and shoots to the #1 spot on all the Best Seller lists and Oprah makes it a must read for her book club, and I do the whole book tour thing and make my rounds on all the talk shows, LIVE with Regis and Kelly will be my first stop, and I'll dance with Ellen. After all that, clearly Hollywood is going to want to make it a big box-office smash. So I've been putting the Cast together. It will be no problem getting these people, they will be more than happy to star in the Academy Awards Best Picture of the Year. Not all the parts are filled yet, but here are the ones we have: (if they aren't already cast, those celebrities reading this may feel free to volunteer themselves for consideration for roles.)

Travis............................................_______ (probably have to be some virtual unknown we can pluck from obscurity)

Danielle.........................................Madonna

Darren...........................................Jeff Bridges (at least that is who he wants, we'll see)

Olivia............................................._______

Jacob..............................................Baby Herman from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

There are/will obviously be a lot more characters and supporting and walk on roles but these are the Main Players in the blog thus far. I will probably be revisiting this post with added characters and actors to fill the roles periodically as they come up in the story lines or as I find appropriate actors to bring these crazy people to life on the big screen.

xoxo, Travvy

Mommy's Bunco Night

Today both Olivia and Jacob had school. It was Olivia's turn to bring snacks. We dropped Olivia off in the carpool line, and then took Jacob inside and dropped him off with his teacher, and took Olivia's snacks to her classroom. Olivia's teacher was very impressed with Danielle's hot/cold bag thing with the big bottle of apple juice and string cheese. When the kids were dropped off we went out to Lowes to get yard sale signs for the neighborhood yard sale, and then to this coffee place called Cups. We had coffee and looked at these home decor magazines and took them with us when we were done haha. They were free. Its not like we stole them, relax. Danielle was gonna put hers back but I was like, just take it. So we did. We went to Borders and I got "Life with My Sister Madonna," and Danielle got the kids a Thomas the Tank Engine Book. The cashier guilted us into donating some kids books to some poh illiterate kids. We went to Ann Taylor LOFT and looked around, and then to Belk and looked at the shoes. I made Danielle try on these great wedges that looked so good on her, but she didn't think so, whatever. From there we went to Ray's, this store where they have bedding and drapes. It was a nice store, and they had these cool lamps that looked like a stack of cushions with different upholstery. They were $159 dollars cool. Bleh. So we looked at drapes and then we realized that some of the ones we were looking at were actually shower curtains. Good Job! Then we went to the post office and the postal worker was being kind of a jerk. So Danielle got the labels she needed and then we went back to school. We were a little early so we just waited in the car for a bit. Then we picked up the kids and went home for lunch. Then the kids went to have their naps.

Olivia woke up and drama ensued. She wanted to watch Spongebob but she couldn't sit in the chair without Mommy because I might get her or something. She was crying and Danielle said "Stop crying!" and Jacob popped out and said "I'm not crying." So then Jacob came and sat on my lap and watched Spongebob and Olivia eventually composed herself and went and sat in the chair and watched.

Meanwhile I was designing the uber-fabulous cover art for the book based on this blog. Haha. I realized after posting the picture on Facebook that I mispelled "allowed" or rather that I used the wrong word. I'll fix it later and repost the correct one. My editor is sooo fired! At some point we decided to go out, originally we planned to go to Renaissance and play in the fountain, but McDonald's was on the way so we went there to play in the Playplace instead.

Tonight is Girl's Night Out, and Mommy went out with her friends to play Bunco. I bribed Olivia with some kind of toy we bought the other day that spins around and has lights, so she decided I was a-okay. We went outside and I played fetch with Amber while the kids rode their bikes and played with their light up things. Jacob ended up to be the one to throw a fit. He cried because he wanted to go down the hill and play with the neighbors, but mean Travis wouldn't let him because it was dinner time. The nerve! For dinner we had left over chicken and sausage and pierogies. The pierogies weren't leftovers, I made them especially for tonight haha.

Bath time went well. They have this orange boat thing that squirts water, I'm not sure if its for that or if it just has a hole, but i was shooting Jacob and Olivia, and they kept saying when I squirted them that it was the other ones turn. Jacob was doing a (fake) (I think...) cry when I was lathering his hair, drama queen. Olivia kept turning the faucet back on so she could drink out of it, Jacob kept telling her to turn it off but I thought it was okay, at least she wasn't drinking the bath water. So then we got them dried off and dressed, and I had told them if they were good during their bath that they could watch Spongebob. So that's what we're doing now. Danielle called, she's on her way home. Thats about it i guess. I can't think of anything else but if I do I will simply write another entry. K bye.

xoxo, Travvy

Look for my book COMING SOON!

I remembered another anecdote that I was just telling Danielle. I poured myself a glass of soda, and the bottle was empty, but Darren said instead of throwing it away i should give it to the kids to play with. By play with he meant bonk each other (and me) on the head with. This was while we were watching Spongebob Squarepants in my room. Olivia had gone back out to watch the Saints with her dad, and Jacob wasn't interested in the bottle anymore, so I picked it up. He saw I had it so now he wanted it. He asked me, "Can I have it?" so I told him to say, "Let me have it." So when he told me to let him have it, I did just that, I bonked him on the head. Muahahaha! He laughed and he told me to let him have it, again. Bonk. "Hahaha! Let me have it!" Bonk! This went on for a couple more bonks until I just gave him the bottle.

I'm going to bed now. Asche was in my room earlier this afternoon and we were surfing Facebook. Apparently she enjoyed her visit and decided its a good place to hang out. When I came in to go to sleep she was lying on the bed. I tried to ask her to leave, but she is pretty comfty and pretty stubborn, so she is still there at the foot of the bed. I left the door open so she can leave in the night if she feels so inclined. I'm worried if I leave it shut and she wants out that she will demand to be freed, violently if necessary. Which probably would be necessary to wake me. I also fear kicking her in my sleep, and having her retaliate by biting my neck. If I don't update tomorrow, the cat got me.

xoxo, Travvy

Tramp

Olivia wanted to watch Spongebob, but Daddy was watching the football game so she was whiny whiny whiny. I was in my room folding clothes and reorganizing my fabric, which i had just strewn everywhere looking remnants for the kids to play with as their various costumes, so i was putting it back in the trunk. I came out and told her she could come watch Spongebob in my room if she wanted--pfft, yeah right. That was pretty much her reaction. But Jacob thought it was a fine idea, so he came back and I set up the DVD on my computer because I seem to have misplaced or forgotten the yellow video cord that connects the DVD player to the tv... Along with forgetting both the remotes for the tv and DVD player. Nice job! I went back out and told Olivia that she could watch it and I'd go do something else, since my company was probably why she turned the initial offer down, but that didn't suit her either. So Jacob was watching it and eventually Mommy convinced Olivia to join him.

Three episodes later I told Jacob that was enough for now. Olivia had been in and out periodically. Jacob pretended to be devastated and cried to Dad. Darren suggested to them that they go bounce on the trampoline, which Olivia was all for but Jacob wanted to go ride bikes, so he had a mini-meltdown, which was strictly for our benefit. Roll eyes. So we went out and jumped. Jacob liked me to pick him up and jump, and I put him down and we held hands and jumped. So he wanted to do one and then the other back and forth like that. I tried to get Olivia to hold hands with both of us and all three of us jump like that but she preferred to just jump solo at the edge of the tramp. At one point Jacob was laying in the middle so i just jumped around him. He bounced higher than i expected and landed kinda hard, and so he cried, and he hit his gum or bit the inside of his lip or something :/ it was a little bloody. So Darren took him in for a minute to get some water. He came back and the three of us jumped some more. And now Olivia did take one of Jacob's hands and one of mine and we all jumped, although after like 2 bounces at most Olivia fell, or just stopped standing really, and so then Jacob would throw himself down too. Haha.

Darren was hanging out on the swing set, so the kids wanted to go play over there. Jacob went down the slide and then started whining cause it was wet. I was swinging, so Olivia got on the other swing, and Jacob wanted to sit on my lap. I swung like that a little and then i just told him to sit on the swing and I'd push. I pushed both of them for a bit, and then Darren took over for Olivia's swing. Then Jacob wanted off, and he got down and started bitching about something, so Darren took him in to go back to bed, cause he didn't have much of a nap, if he slept at all.

I was really surprised but Olivia wanted to go back to the trampoline with me, it was her idea and everything! So we went and held hands and jumped for awhile, then she decided to go back inside. I am in my room but i hear Jacob running around and talking to everyone so I guess round 2 of the nap didn't go over...

xoxo, Travvy

Sunday...

I really have nothing to share, just bored. Its the kids nap time. Darren and Danielle are watching football. So i am on here... Darren made us lunch today, good sandwiches! Apparently i didnt have the good ones cause i am a finicky eater and i didnt want the good ingredients. Whatever, it was tasty.

So last night the kids watched "Star Whores" as Jacob calls Star Wars. And he probably won't ever learn to say it correctly cause we just parrot him and call it Star Whores too because we think its funny and we don't correct him. Even if we do say no, Star Wars he says yeah, Star Whores. Oh well. Haha.

During Star Wars, Olivia wanted to wear her Darth Vader cape, so she went and got it and we put it on her. As soon as Olivia had it on of course Jacob had this terrible need to be Darth Vader. He only wanted it because she had it obviously. So back to my LV trunk, and I return with a piece of gold lame. So Jacob gets to be C-3PO. The scrap of fabric tied around the neck works for a cape for Darth Vader. C-3PO doesn't have a cape, but that is how the C-3PO thing is, and they don't notice. That worked for like a minute, but the lame is scratchy I guess, so Jacob said it was hurting him. Olivia let him trade with her.

Then the kids went to bed and Darren was playing World of Warcraft. Danielle couldn't find anything on tv to watch, so she gave me the remote. We watched Madonna Truth or Dare. Haha. That's all.

xoxo, Travvy

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, 2 months ago, I came to Mississippi on vacation to visit my cousins Danielle, Darren, Olivia and Jacob. The kids, Olivia and Jacob, were driving Danielle crazy and she decided it was time to go back to work. So she had this crackpot, er, make that bright idea for me to pack up and move down here so she could go to work and i could be the MANNY. The rest is history. Actually, that first part was history too, but its just a figure of speech. Anyway...

So I'll skip the adventure down here, maybe i will return to it later on in a flashback. Stay tuned. Suffice it to say I arrived. Well actually part of the adventure to get here is integral to the plot so I have to tell you part of it. Good luck following my trains of thought. I had to rush down here so I could make it before Danielle started work, only to arrive and find that she doesn't actually start for another 3 weeks. Its not her fault, she was inconvenienced too, not that i am inconvenienced, but everything has to be infused with DRAMA just like my favorite book Freak Show by James St. James. So now we have more time to get acclimated and into some semblance of a routine, more time to convince Olivia to like me, more time to most importantly go shopping, and other stuff that makes having more time a good thing.

The first ploy i came up with to make friends with Olivia was to give her a piece a light blue tulle and a piece of light blue lining fabric I just happened to have laying around. This blue lining fabric is just the exact color of Cinderella's ballgown. Do you see where I'm going with this? No? Ugh, alright... These ordinary fabric remnants, wrapped around one's waist and tucked into the waistband of one's shorts just so, after you say the magic words... Ahem, I said after you say the magic words... Good job, bibbity-bobbity-boo, that's right! I swear it's like pulling teeth. This is an Interactive Blog people! So anyway, she had a make-shift, Cinderella dress, well technically skirt, courtesy of her Fairy Godmanny. Ta-dah!

Can't leave out Jacob, so he got to wear a second piece of the tulle and they ran around calling each other Cinderella. Awww.

Today Jacob was pretending to be Darth Vader, with some kind of box on his head as a helmet, so I went into my Louis Vuitton trunk Aunt Tracy and Uncle Doug gave me and pulled out a length of black fabric for a cape. Ok, ok so its not Louis Vuitton. It wasn't a cape either, or a ballgown, its pretend!

So that's about all for now, i'll try to update with some regularity between shifts at the factory in Yoville and being a straight-up G on Mafia Wars on Facebook. Well not straight, but ya know...

xoxo, Travvy

Untitled

So this is just exactly like "The Nanny Diaries" except for its completely different. Instead of a nanny I'm a manny. Instead of Madison Avenue in Manhattan I live and work in Madison, Mississippi. I work for my cousin Danielle instead of Laura Linney, and I am way prettier than Scar Jo. Ok I'm just as pretty, don't wanna hurt her feelings...

DISCLAIMER

I am not really a tranny i just thought it was funny that it rhymed with manny. You should too. And if you are offended either because you are a tranny or because trannies are offensive I don't care! If you're offended because you are transgendered, don't be because i'm not making fun, and if you are just offended by tranny on principal too bad just don't go on here, duh?

xoxo, Travvy