Check my abs! And talk about that bust! Not to mention my luxuriously long, naturally platinum hair. What a knockout! This was my Halloween costume, but we will come to that. It is my sincerest hope that I have not alienated my devoted fan-base and loyal following by having not kept you in the loop. I have made mental notes along the way of the better yarns, because the funny stories and juicy dirty laundry you crave have been coming few and far between. I didn't feel anything warranted a blog post in and of itself, so i just saved them up to compile into a BIG TRANNY-
PALOOZA EXTRAVAGANZA BLOWOUT SPECTACULAR! Also it is a lot of pressure to live up to the fabulousity of and hype surrounding previous entries, so I figured that if I laid low for awhile, when I finally did return, you be so so excited that there is an update that you wouldn't notice if it was mediocre. This could actually backfire, seeing that because the wait was so long, it could be argued that it ought to be that much better. I'll do my utmost to make this a goodie. Although so far, aside from the picture of course, its been mostly just fluff, and me stalling for time, kind of like the kids trying to delay nap and bedtimes. One more thing before we commence-- Can you get over this bikini body? Bleh! HOT MESS! right? Now not only me, but everyone else who has the misfortune of seeing this now wish that I had stuck to South Beach.
So a few weeks ago, Danielle suggested that one of the days while Olivia was in school but Jacob wasn't and was hanging out with me, that I should take him to the Mississippi Museum of Natural Science. They have lots of aquariums there which are fun for him, and I liked the stuffed wildlife exhibits the best. Sometimes looking through the glass of big aquariums like that bothers me and I get a headache from my eyes trying to focus through the feet of glass. But it didn't get to me this time so that was good. There was some kind of temporary or traveling exhibition of Monsters of the Deep. (Dun Dun DUN!) (or the Jaws theme may be more fitting: Da DUM...da DUM...da DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM) Anyway. Both Olivia and Jacob have a tendency of saying such and such is "going to scare me." Me being them, because they are speaking. So we were walking through this exhibit with some undersea creatures from nowadays and some prehistoric ones, and Jacob kept saying, "oooh its gonna scare me!" or "that's gonna scare me!" not that he was scared or it was scary, or that its gonna get him, but that its going to scare him. I don't know. There is also this kids play area with a fake tree made into a tree house with a slide, and some stupid old woman who works in that area. I say stupid because I cannot stand when someone patronizes you using a transparent false-nice tone of voice when what they are doing is yell at you. She was just reminding Jacob of rules, not that he was misbehaving, but it just irked me. Finally we left. We went to another kids area which wasn't a playroom, but has a boat to pretend to drive and some kind of fossil digging thing, though you don't dig its big plastic puzzle pieces, I don't know, its hard to explain. I'm realizing with all the detail I'm putting into this I very well could have made it its very own post but I wasn't feeling it lately. Now that I've actually sat down and am writing this, its going to be quite a long post so get comfty. The main point I was going to hit with the whole Museum trip is coming up, I could have just cut to the chase and only told you this part, which I had originally planned on doing, which is why I hadn't bothered to write it until now, but we've come this far, so we might as well have every stinking detail. (Don't you love how instead of just telling the story I keep writing about writing about it. Sheesh. Bare with me, sorry haha.) Anyway, in this area there is a table with sort of puzzle pieces, they are whales and dinosaur fish split up into the head body and tail sections, so that you can mix and match and the names are broken up so that when you put them together you either read what it actually is like an Orca Whale or like Orceosaurus if you mixed different parts. So I was fiddling with this, and was listening to Jacob prattle on about this or that, and I had my back to him... I turn around to find that he has gone up under the fence and is climbing on one of the displays of some prehistoric beast fish. I was like "AAAAH Jacob come out of there get down or you're gonna be in big trouble i'm gonna get in trouble aaaah come out come here..." He listened immediately luckily but he wasn't moving all that fast. Nobody saw in any case but that didn't take away from the excitement. We left soon after that. Not only because of that but because I wasn't sure how long it would take us to get to Olivia's school from there and I didn't want to be late. We had already seen everything anyway. So it ended up taking not long at all, and I decided to just go back to the house until it was time to get her. Yet another fiasco ensues.
I ended up getting confused on the highway and taking a wrong exit. I realized at once and turned around at the first chance, which wasn't for a long way out of the way, because I had inadvertently gotten on another highway. We made it back to the Interstate and I took a wrong exit a second time. This time at least it ended up being an exit to an area I am familiar with, just not the exit i had been aiming to get off at. So we made our way, but there was some kind of dip in the road and my car smashed it or something. We were still moving forward, but the gas pedal stopped working and the gauges all went to nothing, I don't know if it was a stall or what. The brake worked, and I turned off and restarted the car and everything was normal. Until we met another bump in the road. This time it wasn't literal, but there was construction and the only road I knew that lead to the house from where we were was closed. I was so angry. I hadn't seen any detour signs, and I didn't know how to get back, and I really had to go to the bathroom! Well, of course, wouldn't you know? So I tried to find my own way, and I found this quote unquote "road" (make little air quotes with your fingers when you read "road," Haha yay! Interactivity!) What there was of it between the potholes, there wasn't much space between them, wasn't even paved I don't think, and it was barely one lane. Eventually we got back. Jacob was asking me after we came to the road closing if i was mad, and I was telling him yes but making sure he knew I wasn't mad at him. What a day that was, and that was only before naps!
Now back to my gorgeous picture. Despite what you may have read in the tabloids and online from TMZ or Perez, yes, they're real. Just kidding! Like I said in my very first post, the DISCLAIMER, I am not an actual tranny, so sorry to disappoint. I Photoshopped the cleavage. Oh but if Antonelli Institute could see me now! Just what they wanted me to use the skills they impressed upon me for. Schafle this one's for you! My mom is bursting with pride too! The abdominals though are all me. They are too, just hush up. This was my Halloween costume for a party some friends threw, names will be withheld to protect the innocent. I feel compelled to share some of the nights events but also to respect privacy and anonymity. The neighborhood has enough trouble with the paparazzi dogging my every move, they don't want to be inconvenienced any more by association or having attention called to them specifically. So I don't know whether any of you has seen the film, The Big Lebowski, by chance? No? Aw, then to you I'm just the hottest blonde in a bikini you ever saw. For those of you who have, I went as the character Bunny Lebowski, played by Tara Reid. Darren was The Dude and Danielle was Maude, we three were a set. When a Hugh Hefner and a Playboy Bunny arrived, I went out to greet them with the parties hostesses, The Bunny was his Number One girl, so I was like, "I'll be your Number Two!" He went in with his wife and I on either arm and it was a big hit. We played Drunk Jenga, and then Karaoke was being set up, but those red yellow and white cords to hook it up to the TV were missing. I thought I had some, so I went for the door to run over to the house to fetch them. Spongebob had the same plan, and he said I should just come along to his pineapple and we could get his. On the way he offered me to look through spare costumes from yesteryears. I asked, "Why? You don't like my bikini? You want me to change?" Haha. He said only if I wanted, but he sometimes likes to switch out throughout the night. I looked through the costumes while he got the cords, and I suggested that we return in the infamous "Plug and Socket" costume for couples that Mr. and Mrs. Squarepants had. I was only joking, I didn't expect that we really would. But he was game. So I gave my self a quick haircut and dye job back to brown, and slipped into the socket. Since I didn't get the rise out of him I had been looking for and he just agreed to do it like nothing, I decided that I had to take the teasing further still. It wasn't only that I wanted to razz him, but the party had already met the Drag quota. Gender-bending no longer had its initial shock value or humor. Besides I already had a masculine hairdo. So whilst Mr. Plug took off his cartoon-y bulbous shoe coverings a la Spongebob, I pulled my arms out of the costume and flipped it around so that the socket was in the back. This got me my reaction! Haha. It was a scream upon our return to the party too! We made quite a splash. The Plug didn't last long, but I continued to wear my Socket "the boy way," (despite being asked to please turn it around by the ex-Plug) except for dancing moments during karaoke when my bathing suit was called for, such as Cleopatra and my rendition of The Pussycat Dolls' song Doncha. It was such a fun party, and unlike the last get together when I became a complete and utter disaster, blacked out and became ill, I paced myself very well, and felt 100% the next day!
This morning I awoke from a really good dream. I am sometimes surprised when like last night, I dream of people from High School, eons ago, especially because we weren't necessarily friends, just somewhat close acquaintances. A few weeks ago I had a dream about someone from college asking me to be their date to a wedding. This person I didn't really know at all, just knew of really, which was strange. I was Lauren's date to a wedding and she is one of my best friends from college, so maybe that accounted for that part of it, but who's to say? Just Bizarre dreams.
Not to end this tour-de-force (if i do say so myself) entry on a sour note, or lets say off key, haha, the last thing I want to do is bring you down from your high but...
So I had this good dream this morning, and a lot of the time when i have them, when I wake up I am like, oh joy reality, how sucky, and am vaguely depressed, but this one didn't have this affect. I was cheery and bright. We dropped Olivia off and went to Kroger to buy some cookies for Jacob's school Halloween Party tomorrow then off to get his hair cut. So far so good. Picked Olivia up, lunches, naps, I'm not sure they slept... Jacob had a dentist appointment and we were meeting Danielle there. I hadn't realized my phone was in the car, I thought I had it on me in my pocket. As we were about to leave Danielle pulled in, because she couldn't reach me and wanted to make sure we weren't going to miss the appointment. In her excitement to see Mommy, Olivia tripped and was crying, so we thought she could just stay home now that Danielle was here anyway, and we would watch Spongebob until Jacob came back and then go do something fun. This didn't suit, Mommy left and Olivia lost her mind. When Jacob got home behavior deteriorated probably due to lack of naps. And Grandma is not doing so hot, so the day basically went to heck.
Thoughts & Prayers People! For Grandma
and our friend Karen who had surgery today
Dedicated to Grandma
I love you.
xoxo, Travvy
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