HEAVY F (_) ( K ! l\l G METAL!

I have a ridiculous amount of stories to cover. This could conceivably be the longest blog yet, and there have been some mighty long ones! Although, I always think at the start that some of them are going to be eye-bleedingly long, but they turn out to be short anyway.
I don't remember anything particularly interesting happening on Thursday when I hadn't updated because I was uber-tired. Actually, I don't remember anything of Thursday... I know I had fun stuff to share because I was debating a full-length post, but I opted for the cop-out, 'Sorry I'm Wiped.' I so was. But I can't think why. I may be confusing dates and end up telling the events of Thursday as if they happened a different day. If not they will return to me at some point and I will enlighten you as to what went down. If not, then they weren't note-worthy.
Friday. Friday, while Olivia was in school, I took Jacob everywhere possible that I could think of besides Toys 'R' Us. He always wants to go there to play with the Thomas the Train set, and I never want to go there. I haven't taken the kids to Barnes and Noble lately. I should do that, because they have the same train sets, and chairs, which is why I don't like to go to Toys 'R' Us, because Jacob will be entertained for eternity, but my energy is completely zapped and there I have to stand there, I could sit at B&N. So one thing I do remember about Thursday is that we had gone to Toys 'R' Us. I am fairly certain we went to the mall before that, because Toys 'R' Us isn't open at nine when we drop Olivia off, so we have to go somewhere in the meantime. Anyway, Jacob wanted to go to Toys 'R' Us again and I was so not interested. I took him to Target. Then said that I wanted to go to Michaels. You know, the art store. Jacob, however, doesn't recognize Michaels as the name of a store, he thought we were going to Michael's, apostrophe "s," like we were going to the home of someone named Michael. So he was asking me "Who's Michael?" I was trying to explain that Michaels is a store but he wasn't understanding. When we got there, he kept asking where Michael was. After browsing Michaels we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and Best Buy. We also went to the Dollar Tree.

This reminded me of what I did on Thursday. I bought the kids' Christmas presents. I went to Marshalls and TJ Maxx. I got them trains. Gordon for Olivia, and Naughty Diesel for Naughty Jacob. Shhh! Don't tell them!!! I also went to Target and bought them each a book.

While at Bed Bath and Beyond, Jacob had to go potty. This was an experience. I think I took him into a public bathroom once before, and both times were traumatic for me. Public restrooms, next to death by drowning, are my biggest phobia. They are so gross and dirty. Well every imaginable part of Jacob was all up on every imaginable part of the toilet. I don't want to touch anything when I go in, and he thought nothing of hands all over any surface. Shudder.

When we had browsed the entirety of all three aforementioned stores, we went back to the car, and I looked at the clock. There was still over an hour until it was time to pick up Olivia. I couldn't think of anywhere we could hang out besides the dreaded toy store. I think we must have been to the mall that day too, that or I was too tired to walk all over the mall. I can't remember. I need to update the same day, but Friday night I went out which I'll get to, so I didn't have the opportunity.

We went to Toys 'R' Us. There was a little boy playing with the trains with his grandma. He gave some of the engines and cars to Jacob because he had previously had them all connected in one gigantically long train. So Jacob was playing and this little boy was playing and his "Gee-Gee" as I found that she was called. He didn't call her that, he was only little, but that is how she referred to herself. She was adorable by the way. Even after giving Jacob some of the train, it was still unmanageably long. They could barely pull/push it along the track with out part of it going of the rails and/or coming disconnected. Everytime the train derailed, Gee-Gee said "OH MAN! Did you have a WRECK?!" or similar variations. Sometimes the little boy would shout "OH MAN!" and Gee-Gee would ask "Oh no, did yo have a wreck?" I swear, she was too funny! Jacob started to say "Oh Mannnn!" if his train had a mishap, the three of them were the cutest thing ever. Gee-Gee was like, "Oh did I teach him something??" She told me the little guy was her great-grandbaby and that he was two and a half. For how much I usually dislike trudging to Toys 'R' Us, they definitely made for a fun time!

Friday night I went with Catherine, Adam and Hayden to Hayden's soccer game. I LOVED it! Sooo fun! Catherine thought/thinks I was/am lying but it was a blast! She told Hayden that if he scored a(n apparently nonexistent) double hat-trick that they would go to Hooters. If he gets a hat-trick, three goals, then they have wings. The double hat-trick, which Adam, who is Hayden's Coach, said isn't a term, (hence the allegedly nonexistent,) is two hat-tricks or six goals. Catherine, Hayden and I all knew what she meant. So she said that they would take Hayden to Hooters if he achieved this, that even she would go. Then she added, Travis will come too! On our way to the game, it started snowing! Snowing! It was sticking and everything. I wasn't necessarily impressed, being from up north, but Catherine said that it hadn't snowed like that here in probably about ten years, so I was somewhat moved, haha.

Catherine told me that I had to jump up and down and scream if

Hayden scored. She wasn't familiar with the patented Screaming a laTravvy at this point. Poor thing had no idea what she was asking.

Anyone who has been to Dorney Park, or the Tri-State area of

Dorney does. My speciality is the Swinging Ship, or other fairly tame rides, the Scrambler. I cause a down-right scene! Mortifying friends! It wasn't Hayden, but somebody on his team scored, and that was

all I needed. I let out my best blood-curdling, glass, eardrum, and

soul shattering, ear-bleed, nosebleed and seizure inducing piercing

horror movie scream-queen shriek.

I think Catherine may have experienced temporary peripheral

hearing loss in her right ear, the side I was standing on. She said

that boy I sure scream loud! I was stupid excited the whole game.

Who'd have thought me to be such an avid sports fan? Though I did

share with them later the story of how I utterly humiliated my cousin Tyler obnoxiously cheering for him at one of his baseball games.

From the game, Catherine's parents picked Hayden up and Adam,

Catherine and I were off to the club to see a concert by our friend

Joey. They know him through church and I met him at the Poker

Game. His band is Papercut Massacre. They are on tour, look

them up and go see them! We saw them at Fire, it was very fun!

The club wasn't a place we would generally hang out, I am all about

the techno, dance clubs! Catherine wanted to go from Fire in search

of a gay club but Adam wasn't up for it. We were out pretty late so it

was just as well, when we got back I almost immediately crashed.

While we were there we saw a guy with a shirt that on the back wasemblazoned the title of this blog. I encrypted the naughty word but I

think it should be fairly easy to crack the code, its pretty obvious.

Catherine said I needed that shirt, and I said I would go get it from

the guy. Upon closer inspection of him, I told her that he could keep

it. Not cute. Instead I made the shirt the namesake of this post.

The three of us were scoping out prospective dates for me.

Catherine would kick me under the table when a cute guy walked by.

If I hadn't already seen them on my own I would take notice. But I

asked her what she expected me to do about it? She said I should

swing my leg out and accidentally on purpose kick them and be like

"Omigosh I'm so sorry!" Haha. There were 3 main candidates. One

was wearing a button down shirt and tie. The other we referred to

as "Ponytail," because he was bald. Just kidding, he had a ponytail!

We were so inventive and clever with their names. Ponytail had been

standing somewhat close by to our table with a few people, two girls

and a guy. He was talking to the guy and they were leaning close

with like heads together. At one point Catherine said "Okay, they

are practically kissing," and she thought they clearly must be gay. I

was more inclined to believe that they were just trying to speak,

because you have to be centimeters from someone else's ear to be

heard, even yelling at the top of your voice, over the music in a place

like that.

At one point, Ponytail left his coterie and went over to the bar.

Catherine told me to walk by him. I refused, because the bar was on

one wall and the stage was on the adjoining wall, so he was

essentially standing in a corner. I had no apparent reason to walk

over there if I wasn't going to order anything, so I would just walk

past him, turn around and walk back, and look like a moron. So

she told me to say hey. I wouldn't. I am not one to approach or

make a first move. You can come to me. I missed an opportunity

to meet the actress Amanda Seyfried because I wouldn't go up to

her. I just gawked, but that's different. I would hardly expect her

to come to me, but a guy ought to.

So we were ready to leave and Adam went out to get the car.

Ponytail went into the bathroom, so Catherine and I hovered

outside the door. We're such creepers! I like to relate to Gone

with the Wind like when I had my Miss Suellen moment, about

my hands after working in the yard. This incident makes me

think of when Scarlett's mother suggest she go to Atlanta and stay

with Aunt Pitty. Scarlett agrees because Ashley will be in Atlanta for Melanie and Mammy says "...an' you sittin' there waitin' for him, jus'

like a spider." Just like a spider, we were waiting for Ponytail to

come out. While we were biding our time, the 'Shirt and Tie Guy'

walked past us into the bathroom. Also we noticed a tall dark guy

at the bar. Catherine said he looked like Adam Lambert. He had

dark hair in a messy style and eye-makeup and was wearing

necklaces. He was almost certainly gay, and most certainly cute.

Tall is a big plus too. I told Catherine that tall is something I look

for, though I don't have a definitive "type," because I don't want a

Nicole Kidman-Tom Cruise situation. Although I do use them as a

positive as a role-couple when I am dating the inevitably shorter guy.

Minus the divorce.

I kept catching his eye, I didn't necessarily want to, but I was staring so he kept glancing over. He too went into the bathroom. Catherine was like, "Okay, what the heck is Ponytail doing in there?" Adam,

after all, was waiting in the car all this time. And we joked that he,

Ponytail, was waiting for me for come in to the bathroom. The

bathroom had no door, and it was uni-sex which put Catherine off

when she had gone in earlier in the night. All the stalls had doors,

obviously and walls to the floor, but she just thought it was

uncomfortable to have guys washing hands next to her, that is

strange. So the bathroom had no door and I looked in and

Ponytail was in the common area talking to two girls. I said that

we ought to go in and touch up our make-up in the mirror. She

thought good idea, so we ventured in. Adam Lambert came to the

sinks just as we did. Catherine was applying lip gloss, but though I

was wearing mascara, and sometimes use lip stain or stick (I didn't

have anything on my lips that night tho) I didn't have my macquillage

with me. I ought to know better. The shot girl in one of the Bourbon

Street bars the night I struck out on the town without a chaperone,

had told me I need to have my face with me to reapply because my

lips needed to be touched up. I will remember for the next time I go

out. No, I probably won't, please remind me! So Catherine was

applying lip gloss, but I had no reason to be in there. I should have

played with my hair in the mirror or something, but I didn't have my

wits about me. I was too distracted by Adam Lambert and how

ludicrous the entire situation was. Catherine kept turning and staring

at the guy, and I could not take it. She was trying to get his attention,

and it wasn't working. Later she said it meant that he had to be

without doubt gay.

Which brings me back to earlier in the evening when Adam and I

had gone up to the bar for a drink. Upon our return to the table,

Adam was telling Catherine about the bartender's exhibitionist

top. Everything was apparently pushed up and out and uncovered.

Catherine asked me about it and I responded with, "Why, what

about it? What did she have on?" They laughed and Catherine

exclaimed delightedly, "Oh, you're sooo gay!" Haha.

Which brings us to yet another tangent before we return to the

bathroom. Sorry, try your very best to follow trains of thought,

running rampant across the rainbow landscape, no tracks. I had

said up there in an earlier paragraph how the three of us were

scoping out boys for me. Adam too! At one point Catherine had

directed my attention to a guy and Adam asked where? or who? So

she pointed the guy out to him. He said something like "Oh yeah,

he's cute," raising Catherine's eyebrows, and he said, "for Travis,

you know." I love these two, they are the BEST!!!

Okay, so Catherine and I are in the bathroom at the mirrors, she is

touching up make-up and I am standing there like a fool. She keeps

staring at the Adam Lambert-esque guy, very obviously, like stopping

with the lip gloss and turning her entire body to face him. I could not

take it! I was all giggles and it was just the funniest thing! You

cannot imagine how awkward and silly. He was ignoring her or

genuinely didn't notice and finally I nudged her and went out. She

said that Ponytail was not cute at all up close, I didn't take notice, I

was too worried about how I was being perceived. When we finally

came out and got into the car Adam was like what the heck were you

guys doing all that time?!

Saturday, Danielle, Darren, Olivia, and Jacob went to see A

Christmas Carol. I opted out, in favor of hanging out with Karen from

nextdoor. I went over and she said that she was planning to go

Christmas shopping and shopping for an outfit to wear for her office

Christmas party, and asked if I would like to go. I am all for

shopping! We went all over the place, and got her some cute new

clothes and Christmas gifts. We didn't come up with an entire outfit,

but we got good pieces to build from. We had Greek for dinner and

went to Aladdin. It was very good. We got hummus and pita bread

for an appetizer, she had lamb and I ordered fried kibby, and we

shared our entrees. We had such a good date! We got back to the

house and the door to inside from the garage was locked! She didn't

think she had a house key but luckily she found it in her purse. We

unloaded our present finds and she showed me the stuff that she had

already had. I had a tour of her Christmas tree and we watched TV.

We watched a musical number from White Christmas, the one where

Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye do the "Sisters" song with the feather

fans. Then we switched to something else, I can't remember what,

for a minute, and then the Will Ferrell-Nicole Kidman Bewitched.

Today I did some more Christmas shopping and gift wrapping. I

have one more gift to buy and I will be finished. By tomorrow night

I will be done! Go me!

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the book, The Elf on

the Shelf? To supplement, or compliment, I'm not sure which

word you would use, the story, there is a little Christmas elf that

comes with the book. He watches the kiddies and when they go to

bed at night flies to the North Pole and reports directly to Santa

about their behavior. One of the things the kids have to do is give

the elf a name, and the other thing is that they aren't allowed to

touch him or his magic won't work. He's not allowed to talk to them

(but Danielle has the kids talk to him. She told them to apologize to

him one night when they were particularly bad and promise that they

would be better. Haha.) Darren basically named him. He influenced

the kids to choose the name Frank. The book gives ideas like

"Sparkle" but Darren threw Frank out there and the kids were

insistent and "Frank" stuck, to Danielle's chagrin.

So one night I told Danielle to move Frank. According to the book,

he flies to the North Pole and when he comes back he hides in a

different spot, (or sometimes the same spot if he especially likes it.)

That part about the same spot isn't in the book, but sometimes here

he gets attached to a favorite hang out. He had loved one hang out

in particular for a few days, so I told Danielle to move him. She told

me to do it, so I sat him on top of one of the candle sconces hanging

on the dining room wall. The next night I moved him again. I

wanted to sit him on top of the mirror in the living room, but it was

too shallow for him to be able to sit, his head was too heavy and he

kept falling. So I laid him on his side. When I had him on the sconce,

I put his arms around his knees, and he was sitting like that. I left

him in the same position when I had him laying on the mirror and

Danielle said he looked like he was curled up in the fetal position.

So I curled up like that and rocked back and forth and said, "Oh

these kids are SOOOOO bad!" And we all laughed.

xoxo, Travvy